Is it 2012 yet?

This year I wanted to make a more legitimate list. For some reason I think “no poutine” just won’t cut it as a resolution this year. Though, I am quite proud of myself, I can count the number of times I’ve had poutine in the past year on one hand :)

This year I will answer “yes” when asked if I am fluent in French, with absolutely no hesitation.

This year I want to spend more time with my family. I really do take my parents for granted, and so this year I want to make more time for them. It doesn’t even have to be anything special, just trying to watch tv together or something. But I’m really going to make a concerted effort.

The next resolution is a very personal project. I have a tendency to not forget anything, especially very emotionally charged moments in my life. This year I want to do something about all the emotional baggage I carry around with me. It’s not a bad thing per se, it makes me who I am, but some of it has become a hindrance and in the past few months I’ve become an avoider of any/all the major issues. So this year I will fix it – whether it means trying out EFT by myself, or maybe even going to see a therapist (I’ve always wanted to) or maybe I just need to open up to the people around me in a ‘real’ way as opposed to the superficial opening up I find myself doing more and more often these days.

Within this year also falls a great anniversary... it'll be the end of my "exploration" year - what started out as a conversation with an old prof, and then an intership at SAWCC (and maybe even a job come January 6th)... the year is up in 2011 and that means I've got some decisions to make, some proposals to write, some serious changes...

This year I want a plan. It’s been a while since I’ve had one, and part of the reason why is because I’ve become addicted to the thrill and adrenaline rush of living each day as it comes. But now I’m feeling more and more like I need a solid direction and path, the go with the flow attitude of the past few months has led me astray and I’ve made too many careless mistakes. So by the end of January I want a plan outlining some of my goals and pathways for the year, if not longer. By the end of Jan, I should have something on paper. 

I want to be bolder. I haven’t quite figured out what bolder means because my baseline has changed drastically, so this resolution is a work in progress. Definition pending.

I want to learn how to focus. Anyone who knows me knows that I have peak hours of productivity, late evening and early in the morning. But lately, my focus has been so off that I find myself accomplishing less and less. I get sidetracked, and this is evident in the projects I’ve taken on – the number, the themes, the locations lol – all the travelling has taken its toll on me these past 4 months. This goal relies on the abovementioned goals, figuring things out and feeling more relaxed in my own skin will surely help me focus better, in all areas of my life.

I’m going to burrow a little deeper into my hole and shrink my friend circle. Chalk it up to another bout of personal/life cleansing, but I want to shuffle things around and focus more on the people who are really important to me. I can’t waste more precious time on small talk with people I don’t care for. I can’t stand another moment of the toxicity certain people bring me. I want to take a large chunk of time to work on myself, to better myself, because despite all the realisations I’ve come to, despite the enormous personal growth of the past year I have not taken the time to delve in, sift through all the life lessons and really figure them out. And it’s not until I’ve done that, that I’ll be able to put any of it to good use. Right now it’s just a pile sitting in the back of my mind (spirit? space between my subconscious and conscious mind? wherever it is...), and my newly developed habit of avoiding anything personally/emotionally meaningful has a lot to do with the stagnant nature of said ‘pile’. Plus I feel like when I really truly embrace solitude and some of the negative emotions of it I grow and gain a better understanding of myself. And I write more. I’ve been typing nonstop this past 48 hours and I’m loving it.

My resolutions are a little ambiguous and by the end of 2011 the conclusions will be untestable for reasons Freud and the study of psychoanalysis could shed some light on, but it is what it is. Wish me luck with this chapter in a book I’m calling Self-Realisation for Dummies.

It's Tanuary!

“Tanuary, which invites us to raise awareness for skin cancer by going out to the tanning salon and getting yourself all Snookiefied for the winter.”

– Moustache Rides, Micheal Citrone. “The Mirror”

Movember was torturous for me for two reasons. Firstly, I’m not the biggest fan of facial hair on men, or women for that matter (yes, I’m being cheeky – I was also the one making jokes about growing out my moustache in support haha) and secondly, I knew there were more than a few people doing it for the wrong reasons or no reason at all. It’s all part of this new-found fake activism I’ve noticed. How many of these men went out and got tested, how many spoke to their doctors, brothers, fathers about the issue. How many raised money for the cause? I know a few guys who did and I respect them for taking the ‘stache’ to new heights. But the sad thing is they were a minority. Many men were growing out the handlebars just because everyone else was doing it – does sitting on the same bandwagon as the “active” activists make you an activist, by association? I think not. Get off your ass and do something. 

It’s not enough to say you’ve educated yourself about an issue – what are you doing with that piece of knowledge? Are you sharing it? Are you doing anything to change the current situation? I am a whole-hearted believer in baby steps and grassroots initiatives, so yes, one person can change the world. It will not be a grandiose gesture that will do it, but it is a ripple effect. And it’s common sense! Why do parents teach their kids right from wrong? So they will grow up knowing it, living it, teaching it, propagating “good” ideals to their children ---see? The Ripple Effect. Why is Movember important? It raises awareness of an illness that is growing and affecting more and more people. Educating yourself helps you better educate the people around you. This in turn ensures that more people get tested, leading to early diagnosis and better prognosis---see? The Ripple Effect. Yes, grow the moustache! But donate a toonie. Talk to your dad. Go get tested. Awareness is the backbone of prevention – this applies to any illness. Think HIV/AIDS – get educated, be safe and wrap it up, get tested. You hear these phrases all the time, yet at least 1 person in Quebec gets HIV EVERYDAY!

But back to the issue at hand. There was this heart-string pulling status craze on Facebook a few weeks ago. It was about Special Needs kids – basically, copy paste the short blurb into your status box if you care. It was part of “Special Education Week” to raise awareness of issues associated with children with special needs. I feel very strongly about said issue, so I posted it. Almost immediately a friend of mine posted a link in response. The link led to an article about a mother who, after being so touched by the awareness initiative tried to look further into this Awareness Week. Turns out, the week doesn’t exist. So I started talking to people about it, I deleted the status, and I did some pondering... what does this status craze really accomplish? A few people feel all warm and fuzzy thinking about this children, and then to top it all off they post the status update and take that good feeling home with them. But how many of them read up on learning disabilities trying to better understand the issue? How many of them took action and decided to help out in some way? How many of them got off their asses and did something?!! Forget this example – how many people hear about something even remotely like this and decide to TAKE ACTION? It’s depressing as hell.

This is a superficial activism – the only good that comes out of it, is that people feel good about themselves for donating mere seconds of their time where they think “oh, that’s unfortunate for [insert target group here]”, maaaaybe empathise a little, feel good because they are caring people, and then move on with their lives. I won’t say unchanged, because empathy is hard to develop and it’s something worth working on, so if status updates, clicking an online petition for killer whales, wearing multi-coloured ribbons and plastic flowers, yelling an “Amen” to a disgruntled person on a soapbox helps do that, then so be it. What I’m saying is that it’s not nearly enough. Awareness should lead to action; it should be stirring people to do something. And yes, I suppose there are people who are stirred into action, because then there would be no change, and I can’t lie – there is change. But then you know what? I want to revoke that good feeling! Why should you get to feel good about doing nothing?! Hmph.

Ahh! Kelly Clarkson!

Society’s obsession with hairlessness has always been perplexing for me. How did we get here? In a time where we are more and more aware of the intricacies of our bodies, our health, we negate the role bodily hair plays and choose to remove it for vanity’s sake. And it’s a mission, let me tell you! So many different methods and products; bodily hair is just that – bodily – it has a tendency to be everywhere. The process becomes incredibly time-consuming; the brain space and energy invested feels like a waste of life in the grand scheme of things. (The market for hair removal methods/products must be quite lucrative, in case you’re interested)

The purpose of this post? Hell if I know. But it was spurred by an article I read a few days ago. It was about an aesthetician who specializes in hair removal (waxing) for men. She loves waxing, “it’s like an art” (is that sadism if she enjoys inflicting pain? But then again, if someone is approaching her for the end result - that they will appreciate, maybe the process itself is of no concern. Oh but she doesn’t gain sexual pleasure from inflicting pain so I guess you can’t call it sadism). Read “Balls Go Bald” here
Ok no more tangents! Ugh.

Apparently there are many men out there who prefer to be “smooth as a baby...” I know a few guys who choose to shave their pits, among other things. Then there’s the waxed chest – Kudos to men who wax. There is a certain level of ‘awe’ I associate with a man who can share and appreciate that feeling of hopelessness and sheer defeat (or loss of the willingness to live, as one friend put it) while a woman is mercilessly ripping the hair out of your body.

But how did we get here – why the change? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining – it’s your body; to each his own. But I’m just saying… there’s been a change since the Robin Williams-like time where guys everywhere equated their manhood to the abundance, or lack thereof, of hair that grew on their chests.

Another thing that intrigues me is society’s obsession with the pre-pubescent body. On the one hand, I understand the attraction to the youthful body – baby face, smooth, supple skin etc – evolutionary theories explain this well. Foucault, I believe would have his own two cents to donate to the discussion.

Is it perpetual youth we crave? Is it purely evolutionary programming that we’re following?

What does this say about people who find themselves attracted to children? … And now tell me how that translates when a woman attempts to achieve the pre-pubescent look because the man she is with finds it attractive?  Watch Eve Ensler perform “Hair” from the Vagina Monologues here

This will launch me into a whole other conversation about sexuality, the baby-fication of grown women, and minors. Sexy pictures of adults in pigtails with lollipops; and pictures of children in some of the same attire, but in sexualized positions. And no, I’m not talking about pornography; in fact, I’m talking about popular advertising. So for fear of a new tangent developing, I’ll stop here.

Thoughts?

My Happy List

For Saaraa, this post took an odd turn while I was writing yesterday (that one’ll go up later) – but for the time being, here’s the happy list :)
...

I've been waking up happy the past few days. It’s a beautiful thing to start off the day while you’re harbouring this deep rooted blissful feeling. It might have something to do with the people I’ve been surrounding myself with lately. Maybe it has something to do with coming to terms with the direction I’m going in…or coming to terms with the unknown, rather. Maybe it’s the momentary warmth – something to do with the fact that while I’m lingering in bed, that’s about the only time I’ll be warm all day, considering winter (aka the cranky-as-hell-don’t-mess-with-a-cold-chick) months are upon us. 

 But either way, I’m not complaining. Rather, I feel like I’ve been sharing my happy feeling with people around me. If you can, please take a moment to savour something, anything. 20 minutes of your favourite old-school sitcom, a piece of pink sea salt dark chocolate, a bubble bath, a few moments to daydream about that guy you sat across from in cyber (or better yet, hit him up on http://likealittle.com/mcgill HAhaHa ridiculously entertaining). The sanity, clarity of mind and new-found ability to focus you’ll get from a few moments of relaxation will be worth it. We all need to recharge once in a while.


My Happy List:

-When you read a line or passage in a book that is just so good, you need to lie back and feel it reverberate through your body. 
-Looking through old pictures or finding old ticket stubs – I love those odd moments where you find something and you get to get lost in a pretty memory.
-The smell of jasmine
-Sharing London Fogs
-Watching a kid learn something new; that look of “Wow, did I really just do that on my own?” is priceless.
-That nice, kind of embarrassed feeling I get when I realize that I just let you know how I really feel :)
-Strangers who smile back
-Baking with friends
-My quirky happy dance, that only Fatima appreciates
-Signing on to my computer and a cute “Hi, I miss you” message pops up
-Mittens on a string [poking through jacket sleeves]
-Gingerale and dark chocolate
-Spending the day at a café, sipping on tea, marveling at new cookie recipes, people watching, re-reading a classic. Bliss.

Detox

They call it a detox, I call it... well I don’t know what I’d call it. But a few months ago I decided I wanted to do a cleansing of sorts – start afresh with everyone. Let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget – all of that. But on a deeper level, get rid of any judgements I had about people, no matter how I got them in the first place and just give everyone that 100% that I set out to when I first meet people. And let me tell you, the concept is all fine and dandy on paper – but it’s a bitch and a half to execute.

No matter how prepared I thought I was I was still put into situations where I became aware that past [mis]conceptions or judgements were resurfacing and I had to constantly re-evaluate and start over. I am judgemental, don’t get me wrong. And I don’t apologize for it. Sometimes I feel like the word judgemental has a bad rap. But you see, I am judgemental with reason (I think!). Which is exactly why I needed to do this – start afresh.

A few months in, when I’ve started talking to people I had in the past not taken the time to... and it was mutual, I feel like with a lot of people if you feel like you won’t have anything in common you just don’t bother, right? But I’ve met some great people and I’ve learned so much. And for me that has been the most rewarding part of this endeavour. I’ve always liked the idea of sitting down with someone and just immersing myself in their story. And I feel like I’ve been able to do so much more of that. I’ve gotten to learn so much more about people. It has been amazing. It’s probably one of the more cheesy things I’ve ever said but – everyone has a story, everyone has unique experiences, everyone has something to teach – I want to forever be at the receiving end of that. And the giving end sometimes too! :p

<><><><><><><><><>

Apparently sometimes you fail. I mean FAIL. We’re human, shit happens. I fell off the wagon. Boo! I couldn’t help myself. Everyone has their moment, that few seconds where the horrid from inside peeks out and then just unleashes itself onto unsuspecting bystanders. You know what I’m talking about. It happened a few nights ago – I didn’t mean for it to happen. But that girl just snuck up on me, caught me off guard and it just started spewing. All those pent up negative emotions (words, insults, what have you) squeaked past my new-found clean slate perspective on life. Damn.

I quickly realised how much of a process it is - needing constant attention. It is one thing to decide to change, and it's another thing to be conscious of ‘how’ you want to react and feel. But it’s a whole other ballgame when your subconscious spews hot lava you didn’t know was still brewing under the surface.

“Sometimes we’re just Being Human, but we’re always Human Beings.” - JD Fortune."

Les Boys

This post was especially requested by a friend of mine, so here goes nothing.

I had a dream this weekend... the dream was about a boy. I don’t exactly know him, but I have seen him before. I’ve even given him that polite smile, actually, I’ve probably even said “hi”, paired with that smile. But alas, we have not been formally introduced.

Okay, so in the dream he comes up to me and I say, “Hi. I don’t think we’ve officially met yet” and I put out my hand, “I’m Naila”.
He nods and smiles, then he says, “I was just going to go ahead and ask for your number”.
Yesss! There is nothing more attractive than a man who knows what he wants and goes for it.
(For some reason I love that idea. Let's not get into the conversation about why that level of anonymity was attractive to me and what it means on a subconscious level - thanks mcgill psych courses Jeez!) 
Recently, a friend reminded me that I don’t have taste – not that it’s bad per se. But that I do not in fact have a certain type of guy that I look for. I can get along with a variety of people. But there are obviously things that’ll help... (not an exhaustive list)

Open - This is a hit or miss with me. I like a guy who can introduce me to things outside my bubble...but I also love comfort, so I'm not always up for trying new things. So be able to stay in, in your sweats all-day Sunday, too. Open to me also means open to different people, different experiences, different ideas. Be accepting and willing to share your knowledge, willing to constantly learn new things. 

Passion – he can be passionate about anything, cabinet-making, his family or his Yu-Gi Oh card collection (that’s weird though :s). If he has something he is so passionate about that when he talks about it his face lights up and you can tell he invests his whole being into the passion, he’s a shoe-in. If he can appreciate how invested I am in my own passions, even better!

Conversation – we need to be able to hold a conversation. We should be able to talk for “forever and a day” (<3)

Quirky – tell me you eat fries and peanut butter. Appreciate my Styrofoam room dream. Laugh at my lame jokes.

Child at heart – I love a guy who can take off his business casual attire and play in the sprinklers with his little cousins. Climb a tree with me. Indulge my mayan chocolate ice cream addiction for breakfast or just make me laugh :)

Suit up. Gotta love a man in a suit.
Oh and did I mention he needs to be able to regulate my crazy haha :p

Addiction

Those who know me well, those who are closest to me, understand my odd relationship with stress. Under pressure I am sharper, more alert and attuned to my surroundings. Yes, I am on edge and irritable, but I am the loud, outspoken, assertive and passionate version of myself – who I believe is my True self. Stress is my drug of choice, an addiction of sorts. There have been many interventions planned in the past, by friends, family and I will admit that even I have had a few stern conversations with myself as well. But at the end of the day, when it all comes full circle, I accept my addiction as a vital part of who I am.

…

The word ‘addiction’ makes me think of this dance. Just for fun I’m including a video of one of my favourite contemporary pieces – by one of my favourite [SYTYCD] couples Kayla and Kupono :) Enjoy!

The Queens were onto something

“I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.
I want a new mistake, lose is more than hesitate.
Do you believe it in your head?
I can go with the flow
I would say it doesn’t matter (with the flow) matter anymore”
- "Go With The Flow” Queens of the Stone Age

Does everything have to have some sort of real-life, help-with-my-future value? I’ve always been very oriented in all that I do – oriented towards a goal, in any way or form. The clubs I joined, books I read, courses I took etc. it wasn’t until the plans failed, plan A, plan B, plan C (that I came up with on the spot to avoid internal conflict, dissonance anyone?) all came crashing down around me. It wasn’t until I was unable to find a direction to follow, a goal to work towards, that I was able to really appreciate the words ‘go with the flow’. It is scary as hell, but all in all not that bad a concept.

There is a benefit to ‘going with the flow’ – I think while on this flow I was better able to understand myself, who I am, who I want to be. And not those tangible, material things like a house, a car and a good job. The REAL things, the feelings I want to hold on to, the ideas I want to live by, the people I want to meet, the experiences I want to have. And no I don’t have a list of these experiences, but I know that I want them and that’s enough.  And then there’s the unknown, the empty space that you know will get filled, but  “with what?” --- that is the question. And for once, it is perfectly okay that the space isn’t filled yet and that I don’t know the when or the how either.

That knowledge, that self-knowledge is what I have been striving for, for a very long time. What’s great about figuring that out is that, along with that knowledge I have learned that it is ever changing. It is not written in stone, or in a notebook, it is a butterfly effect. With every new person in my life, with every new experience and feeling the tables will turn and I will grow, I will renew, I will change.

I guess I can’t say that I’m not goal-oriented anymore though. The goals have just changed. They aren’t associated with a career, or a grade, with a possession, they are a true reflection of Who I want to be, not what I want to be defined by. I don’t want “Naila the doctor”, “the mother”, “the businesswoman”, the” board member” (even though I do want some of these) – I want to be Naila, the one who can one day look back on the past 10 years and say, “Yes, I followed my heart and even though I might not be a firefighter or a ballerina like I planned when I was 6… I feel good, I do good, I cry, I laugh, I care, I want, I help, I see ... just like I always wanted to.”

My dearest Mario

Super Mario and I have always had a very special relationship... him and his games have been there for the most defining moments of my life. That plumber has a very special place in my heart.

But like any couple, we have our moments. But recently I've come to conclude that we have a rocky relationship. I think we've reached a point where we are just going in two different directions, we have grown and changed and just don't seem to be compatible anymore. You know how most couples go through this, and they make compromises, and they end up growing and adapting together? Well Mario and I, you see, his Go Karting stage is just a little too much for me... and that Princess... well let's just say I have some interesting alternate names for her.

And to mark today, which is a momentous occasion in our relationship, I would like to share a few things:

Firstly, I am so proud of Mario for taking the plumbing profession to new heights. He and Luigi are doing so well for themselves, especially after they pooled their resources together in Super Smash Bros.

Secondly, I would like to make a retraction of my previous "the princess is just naive" comment(s). She is Not. She is a total hoe-bag, excuse my french. And I Do Not Approve.

Like I mentioned, Mario has really been there for me... but not even he could help me when I got behind that wheel (or joystick rather). I was doomed. And when I got stuck in that train tunnel, I was scared and alone and I didn't know what to do, how to get out.. and Mario couldn't get to me. He was too busy, right? All the way up there on his third round, he paid no heed to me. And I have to say, that was the last straw.

So Mario darling, I'm leaving you. I might just decide to shack up with Yoshi. I know you don't like him, but maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to go out saving that pretty little princess of yours! Damsel in distress - why you little!!


Have a nice life Mario. I hope she makes you happy.


P.S. They're fake. Just thought I'd put that out there.

Prepare yourself for the long haul

This morning's horoscope inspired me to post today...

Overnight success is a seductive dream, but in reality it happens about as often as being dealt a royal flush. Don’t shy away from that elaborate plan because it’s going to require dedication and hard work. Prepare yourself for the long haul, and the results will justify your efforts.

I'm more of a grassroots, little picture, baby steps kind of girl. But I have one teeny tiny problem - I am "big picture" shy. I cannot think of the bigger picture, I cannot look that far into the future. I think small. I think 'how can I make this better right now?' If for some reason the effects reverberate into the future, so be it. But I have a problem thinking that far ahead. The could be many reasons for this, none of which I'd like to divulge right now. But anyways...I have this plan. And this is an exception - my plan for this plan, is to not really delve into the plan [for the plan] for a Lonnnng time. It's something that was a fleeting image in the back of my mind, an outline of sorts, something that wouldn't have or shouldn't have, rather, materialized for at least a decade. But alas! You meet people. Haha I just realized how much it sounds like I'm planning my wedding...but no.

I have a plan, and it wouldn't be the first time that someone has said to me, "Why wait? Just start now.". But this would be the first time that I have taken those words this seriously. The girl with my unborn daughter's name (lol) was just too logical about all the reasons why I shouldn't wait that I was out of rebuttals. I can no longer rationalize and justify Not Acting to myself today.

What comes now? A plan. A few meetings. A clearer vision. A realistic time line...I need to figure out how on earth I will budget time in the next few months to even think about the new idea.
And in the end, we'll see what happens. But for the first time I have to think about the BIG picture. I have to think "How will this materialize in the next 5 years?" ...yikes!

Stay tuned for a sneak preview of next week's "Days of Our Lives - Naila Edition". Haha could not resist, I was having a moment.

Good morning!

Gratitude

When I was in high school my mom started a Gratitude Journal - she heard about it from one of those new-agey spirituality books she reads. Since then, she has from time to time mentioned that I should do the same. I never liked the idea because it made me feel self centered, to harp over all that I have... but at the same time it helps me to really appreciate what I have and acknowledge that appreciation. And knowing just how fortunate I am punctuates the fact that I have a duty to share what I have, an obligation to use what I have for someone's betterment... perhaps part of that feeling 'grateful' is the idea of wanting to share it, and to share it you need to help people achieve whatever it is your grateful for - be it health, happiness, peace... at 2am that makes sense in my head... 

It's the 'new moon' [chandraat] tonight, so perhaps it's the lunar change, or maybe my hormones are out of whack again... But today, after spending a day alone to ponder the last few weeks, the last few months, and all the ups and downs I've experienced professionally, spiritually, emotionally I feel like projecting my gratitude out there into the world.

I am so grateful for my family. I have interesting relationships with my parents, but I think we are finally on the same page.
I am happy to report that my brother and I are closer than we've ever been.

I am grateful for the wonderful friends I have - they are my constant support and they aren't afraid to call me out on my bs, Thank You. I am grateful to the handful of people who get my lame jokes and laugh even when they don't - you're a "special" bunch.

I am grateful for the internet and how despite the bad rap it gets sometimes, it helps me stay close to the people I care about...but are sometimes too far away for a hug. So they get virtual ones :)

I am grateful for my health and sanity. As long as I have these, I can keep on trekking.

I am grateful for William - a man I met for 10 minutes in a store. Thank you for telling me the story about your daughter. Those ten minutes taught me more about the world than any book I've read or lecture I've attended.

I am grateful that I live in a place where heart wrenching stories are stories, where disasters and war zones are pictures and words and not reality.

I am grateful that I have the power to do something, anything, to help. And at every corner there is not only an opportunity to do good, but to see good.

I am grateful for ice cream, it makes my world, go 'round.

I am grateful for that moment of bliss when I'm walking in the pouring rain and my mind is a complete blank except for the humming of the rain coming down. And I have the goofiest smile on my face because I am just so happy and I don't care that people are watching the crazy wet girl walk home.

I am grateful for chance meetings, fb messages, finding cute messages written on ticket stubs, Mr.Braffenstein the giraffe, my nail polish collection (aka the greatest de-stressor of life!).

And tonight I am grateful for the purple slippers that Aruzo got for me - now that's a 'warm fuzzy' from camp that I'll be holding on to!

Goodnight world.

The Thong Song

I have always had this obsession with underwear - you can never have enough! Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but I have a theory about this obsession.. that's a story for another day though. Actually, as a birthday gift to myself, I took myself on a little bit of an underwear shopping spree :) Nikki, you might be the only one who truly understands :)

Recently I was talking to someone about a few underwear quandaries I have. First, what is with these women who decide to wear see-though white pants (which are nice and all) but then couple it with navy blue underwear!?! I don't need to see that! I thought the point was so that people wouldn't be able to see your underwear. That's where the thong comes in, right? So that's my next quandary - the thong.

Who invented this skimpy piece of material that revolutionized our society. In the "olden days" it was a-ok to have a panty line. Today, it is almost impossible to find a girl my age with a panty line - our mothers? Well that's a different story! Haha . But I'm being serious. When did it happen? At some point a panty line was probably the talk of the group of boys on the corner, right? Ooh-ing and aaah-ing when a cute girl walked by and they could see her underwear through her tight jeans...? I could be mistaken, I'm not a 30year old man that I can really even comment on their pass-times 'back in the day'. Today... g-string straps above your low riders is all the rage. I'm not complaining, I happen to like this particular type of undergarment. I'm just wondering when and how it all happened??? Once in the kitchen where I work, the older women (mom's age) were chatting about the horror they would have faced as teens if their mothers knew they wore thong underwear. One of the women said she believe her daughter deserved to "feel sexy, too" so she had no problem indulging her skimpy lingerie needs.

I once heard a girl call the thong the epitome of women's oppression. I always thought that was an interesting statement...I guess it depends on why you wear it and whether or not you're one of those girls who feels the need to announce it as you walk the streets..then the issue of motive comes up...self-esteem...attention-seeking...a whole slew of stuff. But oppression? Hmmm... thoughts anyone?

From my recent experiences with teen girls, and my own too I suppose, I think there is some pressure associated with the thong. It's a sort of coming of age act when you buy/wear your first thong. Girls talk about it in the changing room. I've even heard girls taunting their not-thong-savvy friends about it. Actually, a friend of mine (a long time ago) told me to - and I quote: "grow up already" when she heard I was not yet thong-savvy. Needless to say, I took heed of her words. So now with the invention of the thong, seamless boxers and low riders...who could ever go back to the sailormoon and flower-printed granny panties of our childhood?

That's about all I've got for today :)

Happy Birthday

In less than 24 hours I will have gotten my toes wet in the Second Decade Sea. The big 2-1 is upon me. On January 1st, I sat at the table with my parents and I said, “this is going to be a big year – I can feel it.” At the time, I had no idea what I was talking about.
 
This year has been so monumental, in so many ways, I cannot even begin to describe it. So much has happened. There were loads of firsts, some seconds, a slew of new experiences, wonderful new people… 
 
A group of boys laughed at me because I didn’t know what offside meant.
I watch Fifa matches religiously.
I mentored a student, and kind of enjoyed stats (ahhh!).
I got a new haircut, and bought a cute purple dress.
I learned how to be diplomatic, and how to change a tire.
I messed up a batch of cheesecake brownies, and learned who my true friends were.
I cried over a boy, and over a group of girls.
I pushed my limits – just to find out that they were imaginary lines.
I learned how to trust people, and in the process how to trust myself.
And the year isn’t even over yet!
 
I cannot thank all the special people who helped me keep my head above water here – but not to worry, I will (in person). 
 
This is the decade where it all happens – and I’m crazy-monkeys-excited!!!
As long as I can bring along all the fun stuff from Decade No. 1, like pop rocks, naptime, merri-go-rounds, and the power rangers – I only have one thing to say to Decade No. 2: Bring it!

Lemonade with a kick

Today was one of those days that just creeps out of nowhere and kicks you in the teeth.
I woke up this morning confident – confident about who I am, where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going and all the in-betweens. One phone call later, I’m crouched in a corner of the bathroom at work sobbing. In retrospect, I still cannot, with certainty tell you if they were tears of joy, sorrow or fear. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I didn’t know what to do.

I am pretty confident in my abilities – but today that was questioned. Can I do this? Am I ready? So what did I do? I looked to the people closest to me, the people I truly care about, the ones who know me. And while they are telling me that I can take anything on, that they believe in me, that they trust and love me “listen to your heart, you will make the right decision” – I had never been so unsure in my entire life. I didn’t want to regret my decision and then a day, a week, a month from now resent [no one but] myself for making the wrong decision. And I only had a few hours to do this, by the way.

I won’t be explicit and talk about the situation itself, but today was a turning point. I had to really deliberate how much I trust myself. I was selfish. I was subjective. I am still terrified. My one biggest fear is what this could do to me.  As a result of the past few months, I am finally, after so many years of being the quiet one, the mouse-y one, the awkward one, comfortable with who I am. It is ever changing, I know that, but I’m afraid that this might lead to a change that I’m not okay with. I need to keep myself in check. I don’t want to lose myself in obligation, in respect for the people around me, in responsibility I want to be okay with the changes this brings in me, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say “You are Naila” everyday of my life. I don’t want to be fake, I don’t want to waste my time, or yours. I don’t want to compromise so much that I lose sight of myself. I’ve never really thought about how much of “you” gets the backseat when you try to think about “them”. I realized that there is a fine line that cannot be crossed. There is an investment of time, energy and heart that goes into doing for others, but it shouldn’t go so far that you become a shadow of your actions. If you are a shadow, then who is warming the coals behind this engine that started the whole thing in the first place? Gosh I just noticed how that that didn’t even make enough sense in my head, let alone typed on my screen.

Today the earth underneath me cracked a little bit and now I have the option of jumping over to the other side, staying put or building a bridge. I built it…and I have no idea where it goes. This “unknown” factor is driving me nuts. And I’m scared as hell. But this’ll be a new experience that I didn’t expect or ever even consider, but what the hell – sometimes life gives you lemons and sometimes life throws the lemons at the back of your head.

"Life gave me lemonade and I can't imagine why

Born on a sunny day, beneath a tangerine sky

I live life without pretending

I'm a sucker for happy endings

Thanks for the lemonade!"

So tonight I have a request that I want to let out into the world: Let me stay true to myself. Let me always be able to look at myself in the mirror and have "Naila" looking back at me. Let me grow, fight, question, teach, learn, help, watch, listen, love.

WWJD

My mom and a friend of hers have this tradition they’ve started – Birthday Month. Once a week they take each other out and they celebrate getting one week closer to the big day with cake. This past week my mom brought home a Chinese takeout-looking box with goodies in it; it sat in the fridge, everyone nibbling, until this morning – the morning of her Birthday.

*Shout out to my mom: Happy Birthday Mom! Love you :)

Let me explain the situation – the four of us are in the kitchen cleaning up, making breakfast/lunch and watching the soccer game. It’s a tight squeeze and my dad and I are hanging out the opening (into the dining room) trying to see the tv. I am on a rant about how good Germany is, the youngest team, such potential…damn that last game! But I digress…

My mom asked me to finish the last bit of green tea cupcake and cheesecake – there was a teeny bit of each left. And I couldn’t pass on that offer. So I’m standing there, the green tea cupcake is not all it’s hyped up to be. But the fact that my dad bit off the icing at 3am this morning and left just the cakey part might have something to do with that. But the cheesecake was Amazing! While I’m talking and wandering around the kitchen a bit, the last piece (quite significantly sized) on my fork fell onto the floor. And for about 10 seconds my brain froze, and then a scene from Friends popped into my head. You know the one where Joey and Rachel eat that Amazing cheesecake off the floor? And then I asked myself, What Would Joey Do? ………….. Too bad I’m not Joey – I licked my fork, wiped the floor and plunked the piece of cheesecake into the garbage can (slowly, I might have been singing or wailing… paid my last respects as I closed the lid). I looked up at my mom, and there was one single teardrop drooping from the corner of my right eye – CryBaby style (if you haven’t seen this Johnny Depp film, you need to. It’s magically, deliciously bad, but so good. Ricky Lake is in it, too).
Ok the tear was an exaggeration lol :p

Just felt like sharing that WWJD story.

Good morning everyone. Don’t forget to say Happy Father’s Day to your dads. It’s a double celebration at my house today.

:)

Niff Naff

I’ve been reading Riff Raff (article in The Mirror by Raf Katigbak) for a few years now. Recently he wrote an article about how he wants to get out of the Montreal bubble and explore. He listed a few places he wants to visit and asked his readers for suggestions. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do…well sort of…if you’ve been paying attention recently then you know about my little trips. While Raf wants to go explore Ottawa and New Brunswick, I want to explore the bubble a little more.

The summer is here and I’m ready. Apart from all the regular projects I’m working on I have been working on a list of random tidbits I’d like to do during the summer months. I started making up the list a few weeks ago, so I might have gotten through a few already. And since I’m always roaming and thinking of new things to do or see in my spare time, I’m sure the list that I just ripped out of my notebook will get longer…

So here goes!

-eat on the terrace at Pica-Pica

-spend a day at Gitana drinking nothing but pot after pot of Moroccan and Turkish tea

-spend an afternoon on the grass in front of St.Joseph’s Oratory

-trip to Valcourt to see the raelian compound

-go to the end of each metro line

-get a caricature done at Old Port

-go to Piknik

-see the penguins at the Biodome

-go tree climbing

-swimming at Yamaska Lake (skinny dipping? I’m feeling adventurous)

-eat Mayan chocolate right out of the tub as I walk through Monkland Vilage

-Scrubs marathon

-visit the Farmer’s market after midnight (is it really open 24 hours?)

-take the ride [all the way] up the Olympic Stadium

-get lost at the Atwater Market

-Jazz lounge anyone?

-go salsa dancing :D

-beach pedicure

-start writing my “Exploiting women who want to get pregnant” article

-start writing the VP complaint letter

-8 hour walk with Alex when he visits in July (yaay!)

-write my number on a napkin and slip it into that cute waiter’s back pocket – uh huh I said it ;)

An Episode of The Office

I really like my job. The atmosphere is very relaxed, the people are super cool, and it really makes all the difference. I've worked at places where the people were less than bearable, and it makes it so much harder to want to go to work. But I'm glad this is not the case right now. But after a long week, sometimes you need a way to blow off some steam, and in the office, this usually means we’re all yelling out song requests to S, we're sharing stories of our most klutzy moments or discussing the immigration issues in Australia. But this Friday was a little bit different...

So there's this guy, let's call him M. Nice guy, dresses well (not the metrosexual v-neck kind of guy, more of the tweed jacket, 3-piecer kind), musician...did I mention: Hairpin terrorist? Joker? South Park watcher? But he's cool.

So M decided to go on holiday, leaving his sweet coworkers alone for an entire week. But you see - he planned his trip quite well - he left the day before his birthday. And we could not let him come back without planning an elaborate 'Welcome Back M' morning. And being the prankster bunch that we are *cough* the welcome back had to be ...well...Entertaining :p

It took about 6 people to stand around his cubicle and ensure that the “Desk Of Terror” Project was executed properly. So his shelves have been moved about a half foot up the cubicle wall (which, knowing his nature, will drive him Up The Wall! hahaha).
His computer screen unplugged and turned over. His chair replaced. Contents of his drawers either switched (one to the other) or stolen/misplaced.

His mouse covered in at least 100 rubber bands!!! Which, no matter how he decides to remove them: plucking them off, cutting them, using his teeth, a blowtorch, it will take a significant amount of time. He will get through this. After the initial shock and horror upon seeing the mouse, and then the proud, accomplished feeling once he’s done. The horror will linger – he will soon find that the mouse does not function anymore. The batteries have been taken out and been *cough* misplaced... Hahahaha

Too bad our resident IT guy was not in. Otherwise his telephone would read "one very entertaining nickname" he has, every time he dialed an office extension. :P

To top it all off --- his "Do Not Touch Me" orange juice has been removed from its original carton and poured into S's "Do Not Touch Me" mango juice bottle. The former replaced with water, to conserve the weight, and illusion that the juice is still there.

Ahhhh... I can't wait for Monday morning! There might be pictures taken, video recorded, laughter, tears [from the laughter] .. oh! and I can only imagine what the payback prank will be!

The Girl Cell

Last week a friend suggested I watch this short video of Eve Ensler and her theory about the 'girl cell'. Those were 20 minutes well spent. Since then, I have seen the video about 5 times - and I have stopped apologizing.

I have always been a firm believer in letting people know how you feel, letting it all out. Being angry, crying, yelling, stomping on the bubble wrap, all of that. But at the same time, I have often found myself apologizing for getting emotional, for being less than sturdy, for feeling and letting it be known that I feel. It sucks that it took another woman telling me that it's okay, for me to realize that it really is 'okay'. Why on earth should I apologize for something so guttural and natural and important? I am who I am, and I would be so much less if I didn't feel and hurt and get emotional - in layman's terms: PMS-ey.

It's sad that so many people use that term, PMS-ey. Not only do men use it, but women have adopted it. Fine, there are hormonal changes that affect your mood, but damn! Just because we menstruate, does not mean every word, action or feeling that you don't approve of (or agree with) is attributable to Mother Nature. Please don't give her all the credit, some of it is original thought, genuine, raw, personal compilation of mental umms and ahhs, electric shocks, chemical transactions, reuptake, tingles, ruptures…

And that was another episode of "Naila's Wandering Mind"

Here's the link if anyone is interested: http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_embrace_your_inner_girl.html

Then Why Don't You Marry It?

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

---Dr. Seuss

I remember that in grade school the line was --- if you love it so much, why don’t marry it? Whether you be referring to raisins, coke or little Bobby, the rule applied. I’m curious why it’s so easy to use the word love? To say I love you…? I know that in my own life I use the word often, in the more casual “I love chocolate” way and the more serious “I love you” way.
I’ve felt it, said it and I’ve meant it.
I also know the difference when I say I love you vs. feeling “in love” with someone--- at least in my own life. Whether I understand love on a grander scale --- that’s up for debate. Articulating what I do understand --- impossible. Demonstrating it with flowers and candy --- for that, there’s Mastercard.

But so here’s the reason for this ramble. I’m confuzzled. When a colleague says I love you as she walks off – does she really? She can’t, we don’t even know each other that well. Someone you’ve been friends with for years says it, and it resonates, you feel it. Though I like to think the people involved know what I mean when I utter those 3 words, I know what I mean, but what if we are all making these grandiose assumptions? Making the same assumptions? What if it wasn’t meant in the way I think it was? The word can be used too loosely sometimes.

But why do I trust it when it comes from an old friend more than a friend I met a week ago? You can fall in love in a moment, yet I still have this nagging thought that time is indeed a factor and I’m not entirely sure why.

Maybe the whole thinking with your brain vs your heart notion is playing a factor. Maybe I can’t let my brain take a backseat (entirely) in these matters. Maybe what I’m doing is catching myself in a web of faulty assumption. I know feelings can develop quickly, yet I cannot mentally accept it when it translates into what I might misconstrue as a hasty “I love you”. Cognitive dissonance anyone? Sometimes being introspective or self-aware or whatever this personal psychotherapy session I’ve got going on can be a pain in the ass.

The finer moments ...

“I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me
I’m beggin’ you to beg me”
-I Want You To Want Me by Letters To Cleo

You know that feeling, when you get a twinge inside because you’re thinking about someone you really miss. That gentle tug at your heart strings. Then depending on who that person is, the feeling can take a turn for the worst…or maybe not. If it’s that “I-miss-you-like-crazy-I-want-you-here” kind of miss it can be painful, bittersweet (sometimes). But if it’s a simple “do-you-remember-when-we …?-that-was-fun” kind of miss its sweet and happy and you smile as you recount an old memory. The latter I love, the former I loathe. Haha. But they are all part of the ebbs and flows of life right? People move in and out of your life, some waddle back in, some rest at the shore waiting, some get lost at sea…

So today I was at my computer working away when I get an unsuspected message from a friend who moved away … “Hi Naila. I miss you. That’s it.”

Girly awwwwww *in unison*

And I had just been talking about him the night before, talking about him to a new friend. And get this, as I wrote this in the library after a much needed coffee break, I get to sneak in on a conversation he’s having with another friend outside and I get to hear his voice and actually say “hello”. Ahhh the finer moments of life.
 

When I was a kid my grandmother would tell me all these superstitious, tell-tale signs of when people were thinking negative thoughts about you (you’d choke) or if they were cursing you out loud (you’d bite your tongue). But never did she say what bodily mishap meant someone was thinking nice thoughts about me.

Happy Tuesday - the sun is smiling today, maybe you should too! :)

P.S. I wrote this a few weeks ago... then decided to dig it up and brush it off a little for today :)

An Ode To You

“Whoever has created
An abiding friendship,

Or has won

A true and loving wife,

All who can call at least one soul theirs,

Join in our song of praise” 

–“Ode to Joy” Beethoven’s 9 Symphony

I really want to thank all the special people in my life who have always been there for me, always stood by me no matter what and who have always been there in the stands with banners and foam fingers.

To those who held my hand as I took a step off my soapbox, to those who held my hand as I lifted myself off the floor.

To those who stood by even when they knew I was wrong, to those who gave me the confidence to admit that sometimes I’m right.

Thank you to those who dried my tears, and to those who decided to join in and cry with me.

Thank you to those who helped me grow, reminded me to take a minute and think about what “I” want.
Those who reminded me that I can do it, that I will get through it, that I will fix it and that I will come out on the other end and I will be standing.

To those who were brave enough to tell me the brutal, the harsh, the honest, no-nonsense truth.
To those who whispered to me that I have something on my face, or that my socks don’t match.

Thank you for answering your phones at 3am when I am in dire need of someone to listen to me plan an event in my head, listen to me rant, cry, edit a paper, or just sit silently on the other end so I don’t have to study alone.

Thank you for the good luck messages, the “get well soon”s and the “I love you”s.

Thank you for showing up, signing, donating, listening, clicking, pasting, holding, lifting, inviting, speaking, sitting, teaching -  even though you could have been doing something else instead.

Thank you for holding my hand, kissing my forehead, bringing me chocolate ice cream and texting me jokes to brighten my day.

If I don’t say this enough or if I haven’t said it yet – I appreciate you and all that you do. You all make such a difference in my life, you all have a special place in my heart.

Don’t you dare listen to the people who say love cannot make the world go ‘round. There is such power in this 4-letter, monosyllabic word.

Love is the gentle nudge behind everything I do, everything I believe I can accomplish and everything I strive for.

Pay It Forward

April 29th is Pay it Forward Day – I love the idea behind this. I think it is great that the notion of doing good and passing on the good is being advertised. But I don’t think you need a facebook event to tell you it’s a good idea, and you don’t necessarily need a specified day to do it. So make everyday ‘pay it forward day’. One of my professors told this story in a lecture a few weeks ago – it really got me thinking about the simple things we do in life. I often wonder about the impact, or lack thereof sometimes, of my own everyday actions. I like to think that I do ‘good’ and that the good spreads in whispering circular movements, soft ripples through the world – my [urm…] poetic moment of the day :p

Just wanted to share the story – don’t ever forget that a simple gesture can have the greatest effect on a person, and similarly, a slight hint of malice can have the opposite effect. We can each do something to pay it forward no matter how big or small the gesture --- I promise it will make a difference.

…

“One day when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, “why would anyone bring all his books home on Friday? He must really be a nerd.” I had quite a weekend planned – parties, a football game with friends – so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running towards him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms, and tripping him, so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying – I saw them land in the grass about 10 feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him, so I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses. I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him the glasses, I said “those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.” He looked at me and said, “hey thanks.” There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books and I asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I’d never seen him before. He said he’d gone to a private school before now. I would never have hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends, and he said “yes”. We hung out all weekend, and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle, with the huge stack of books again. I stopped and said, “damn, boy you’re going to really build some serious muslc with that pile of books everyday.” He just laughed, and handed me half the pile.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends and that miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going into business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn’t me having to get up there and speak! On graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys who really found himself during high school. He’d filled out, actually looked god in glasses; he had more dates than me, and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech, so I smacked him on the back and said, “hey big guy, you’ll be great.” He looked at me with one of those looks – the really grateful ones – and smiled. “Thanks,” he said. He started his speech, cleared his throat, and began. “Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years: your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach. But mostly, your friends. I’m here to tell you a story.” I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked about how he had cleaned out his locker so hs mom wouldn’t have to do it later, and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me, gave me a little smile. “Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.” I heard the gasp go through the crown as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad look at me and smiling that grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its’ depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture, you can change a person’s life.”

If I got held up - I'd want Jackie Chan to be there, or Shahrukh...whichever

Who exactly are we catering to? When you become a police officer - you agree to fight the good fight, to put yourself in harm's way and protect citizens, right? In the same way that the troops fighting wars oversears understnad the risks associated with their jobs ...so here's my issue with the police. By all means, do your thing...but please put the tasers away? Maybe? Pretty please? I don't know...

So okay, here's the thing. Recently I've been hearing a lot about the police and the funny shenanigans they pull...and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are way too many rules in place that help keep the cops safe, and not nearly as many that keep the citizens safe [very possible from the cops themselves]. I understand that it is harder to deal with criminals and disgruntled and disorderly men and women in the streets these days – but seriously guys, where is the line?

Before I continue rambling, for anyone reading this – this is my own opinion…I could be wrong, I could be misinformed. Please correct me if I am wrong… ok. So I’ve taken care of the whole opinion ownership thing …lol…

I was watching a news report about a man who died after being stabbed (I believe) – he had to walk a block away from his house, while he was bleeding, to get to the ambulance. Why? Well, apparently, when the 911 call was made there was mention of a gun (not too sure about this, I think it was speculative at the time of the report). And when a gun is mentioned, the cops and ambulance can park FAR away from the house in question, wait for the police to assess and handle the situation. Ok, that’s cool…save yourselves. But let’s assume there was a gun involved, and the man was shot. Would you want a man, who is most likely bleeding profusely to walk a block to help save himself? Nooooooo. Bring him a freaken gurney! And seriously…ok there might have been a gun involved. The cops should have been front and center – put on a vest, use those tactical, bullet-averting skills they teach you at the police academy and maybe try to “serve and protect” a man in need of assistance??? In this case, once the situation inside the house was assessed (no gun) the ambulance still couldn’t drive up close enough …why? There were fire trucks and police vehicles blocking the way. You’ve got to be kidding me??? And not ONE of them brought the man out of his house on a stretcher…nope. But thank fully they did ‘walk him to the ambulance’.

Okay, so on to the next thing – taser guns. Really? I thought they only used things like that on angry bears in the woods?!?!! Yeah, it’s not as deadly a weapon as a gun (tell that to Robert Dziekanski’s family) so I guess I understand it…but what’s next? Using tranquilizer guns – I hear they can shoot from upto 10 feet away…maybe they can modify them to make the range 1 block away? Ooooh!! Ooooh! Maybe they can just dip the end of an arrow in curare (poison used by natives to kill animals, also used as anesthesia in ect :p) – Archery refresher courses for the cops yaaay! :-)

I am not saying I would like to see the police get hurt, I’m not saying that at all. But what happened to the good old days, when a man could be restrained with handcuffs, not high voltage? If I’m in the middle of the street and a guy comes at me with a gun I want to be sure that the cop walking down the street will do something… not hide behind a garbage can until the man gets bored of me and drops his gun….I’ve seen them do it in Jackie Chan movies – you can get someone out of that situation and nope, I don’t think I ever saw them use a taser gun…just a few strategically aimed hits and kicks. Hell, let’s get some bollywood actors over here to teach them a move or two. C’mon – you’ve seen it! One man vs. 10 bad guys…he always manages to get out alive and the bad guys are rolling around in pain on the floor. His weapon of choice? A stick.

But in all seriousness, what happened to the good old days when the police were these buff men and women who could run faster than the bad guys, and could restrain them if need be? Yes, they knew how to shoot a gun, but they also knew how to disarm a criminal and had the sense to grab a gurnery from the far-away ambulance and carry a bleeding man from his home to the ambulance. Sadly, the man I’m talking about (44 year old Garth Isfeld) died in hospital. Not sure why – but needless to say, the family is less than happy about the events that took place after he was injured.

Thoughts?

A Double Dose

Dear Mr. Sandman,

Another night of broken sleep. I have no problem getting a few hours here and there; I can deal with sleep deprivation. But it’s broken sleep – the kind that just burns my rubber wheels! Mr. Sandman why are you teasing me so? You visit, stay for a while, then sneak off to go see my neighbour… I’m a light sleeper, I heard you hop away…and then I couldn’t fall asleep again.

And please Mr. Sandman can you tell me why you left me that little terrorist gift? Those nightmares that I wish were meant for someone else…the ones that haunt me because they are so damn reflective of my inner-most fears and worries? What did I ever do to you Mr. Sandman? Can you please call me so we can talk about this apparent mis-communication? I think you must have me mistaken for someone else who so clearly angered you. And if I have done something that disturbed you – please accept my apology, whatever I did, I did it unknowingly, it was unintentional, I am sorry.

I can make it up to you…but please swing by tonight... or even this afternoon around 2-ish and sprinkle some of your brute, manly, Old Spice-like fairy dust on me so I can catch a Z or two.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours truly,

Sleepy NailZzzz

<><><><>

So I’ve been trying to put together a coherent thought. I have many, but I can’t seem to come full circle with any of them. The past week has been full of questions, some upsetting answers, but for the most part, just questions. And because of who I am, incapable of lying to myself, I will admit: most are unanswerable questions. I will forever stew in my puddle of muck-y CSF (cerebro-spinal fluid – I know it doesn’t work, it just sounded right). The questions will swim around in my mind until I finally decide that I’ve had enough and I will do one of two things. Either push them far far away into the depths of my mental Never Never Land or I can come to terms with the fact that I will never have the answers I crave. These will forever remain the “unanswerable questions of life”. My unanswerable questions will join the likes of other famous questions like Why are there instructions on shampoo bottles? Wet, lather, rinse, repeat if desired. Are we really that dense a civilization that we need to be reminded every morning? Gosh!

Stop talk, talk, talking that blah, blah, blah

Lately this girl-power, sexually-explicit (but underhandedly-so) music has become very attractive to me. It’s refreshing to hear such vulgar, but so intelligently hidden lyrics coming from women. It isn’t as surprising to hear it from rappers and the likes of other male artists – they do it all the time. But when it comes from a woman, it’s scandalous. I think it’s revolutionary. Ok, I am a feminist, and no I do not support the objectification of human beings (male or female). But like many women out there, I can appreciate a good-looking guy.

Anyways, the point being, though I don’t necessarily support the tit-for-tat (if men can do it, why shouldn’t women?), at the same time I feel kind of proud that at least these women Can. Yes, doing it comes with a stigma not usually attached to men who produced music that is just as racy, but that’s to be expected. I’m conflicted though, because I don’t always support the lyrics; I don’t think anyone should be spoken about as though they are objects, or pieces of meat. But in all honesty, at the same time, I am almost proud of these women.

But to go back to something I mentioned before…the messages are so well hidden sometimes. These women don’t have to swear as much, or use slang words (in reference to anatomy) as much as I’ve heard in some male renditions of this type of music. Rather, they euphemize a little bit and use terms such as disco stick and glove box. But then, here’s a problem with that. A while back I read a post on MLID, where a south-east asian mother was at a dandiya (type of traditional folk dance) party and she referred to the dandiya (the wooden stick used) as a disco stick. Because the lyrics hide the intended meaning so well, it might be hard for many people to catch on. This makes me wonder whether or not the parents of that 8 year old girl from Brazil knew that the woman (Lady Gaga) they trained their daughter to emulate was actually singing songs with ‘adult’ content. Perhaps, a lack of understanding led to their grave misjudgment in letting their daughter dress up as and sing songs by the famous Lady Gaga? Or perhaps they just don’t listen to the lyrics --- there are loads of people who just listen to music to listen, without listening to the words. Personally, I don’t get it. I listen to music because of the words…though some songs just have nice melodies/beats … but for the most part, I enjoy songs where the lyrics mean something. the songs don’t always have to have a great meaning (take the music I am referring to for example), but it’s nice to listen to advice or a story in a song… which is why I love love love Sufjan Stevens.

*Thought for the day: is it a sign that times are changing when women can be as explicit in public as men, without getting as much (or any) flak for it? And…by doing so, are we adopting an eye for an eye mentality – because objectification is wrong no matter what sex is doing it, right?

*Just a note: the song the little girl sang was Bad Romance, the lyrics are not as bad as the ones I am talking about here…but had you seen her “dancing” and crawling (yes, crawling) on the floor…in That outfit you would have done one of two things: thrown up or called child services…or both. Forget application processes for parents who want to adopt children – there should be a rigorous screening process for anyone who wants to procreate! Jeezzz!

Ughhh!

So I've been wondering...Catholic piety requires one to abstain from sexual activity in order to be a leader in the Catholic Church. But...repressing healthy sexuality will only lead to the rise of unhealthy sexuality as far as I'm seeing... right? Years ago, in my first [Intro to] Psychology course the professor told us a story about a Muslim man who moved out of his predominantly Islamic country of origin to a more liberal 'western' country. He was taught to repress his sexual urges etc...but when he moved to the western world, and sexuality was everywher, he had a little more trouble. He found it harder to look away, and he eventually developed physical and emotional symptoms that he could not explain (they were essentially in response to the repression of his feelings). He got headaches, a nervous twitch, he was overwhelmed with guilt, became depressed...anyone want to take a stab at what would eliminate these symptoms? Well actually...in his case it would probably be a little more complicated because it's been engrained that he should repress and feel guilty about his own sexuality. But nonetheless, an acceptance or a release of sorts would probably eliminate his symptoms...learning to accept his sexuality as opposed to consciously repressing it at all times.

I've been thinking about this for two reasons. One, I just finished studying Compulsive Sexual Behaviours - interesting as hell, actually. Two, I just read that the head of the Irish Catholic Church is apologizing for helping to cover up a case of pedophilia. What in the hell??? Now this has nothing to do with being Catholic, Protestant, Muslim or Raelian...whatever you are .. but how do you sleep at night??? Some rando priest is abusing his power and decidedly abusing young children and you help him cover that up? Are you fucking kidding me?!?! And puh-leez...this is not the first sex scandal that I've read about recently, a lot of cases are from 10+ years ago...so this is not a recent phenomenon. Please don't give me all that modern times and modern problems, sex is everywhere, kids these days...mumble-jumble.. No Sire-y Bob!

I's seeing a consistent problem here...anyone else? So the heads of the Catholic Church are not allowed to engage in sexual activity, right?
....repressed sexuality......unhealthy sexuality....hmmmm...*cough friggedy cough**
Someone please get these men a blow-up doll or something so they'll stop touching your children!!!

Organic intimacy

I love talking to people, I love hearing their stories, immersing myself in someone else’s life until I get lost in it and I am so involved that it is as though I am there in those moments they are recounting, I am a living, breathing part of each story or anecdote they tell me.

When you’ve established that connection with someone, you never want to let go. Those moments when you are looking someone in the eye and listening intently, exchanging ideas, funny stories, harmless insults, whatever it may be…personally, I think those are some of the best moments of life. I call it organic intimacy.

These are the moments untainted by the pollution of the world, it is not forced, not superficial, not fake, it just Is. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re wearing shoes, have paint all over your face, goose bumps all over your arms… It can happen anywhere: Outside the Renaud-Bray on Cote-des-Neiges, by the book deposit box at the NDG library, in a bar, on a ledge, next to the guerilla compost site set up behind Marianopolis (shh! don’t tell anyone), in a laundry room, at the top of the stairs outside the class you’re skipping, over coffee, sitting cross-legged in the middle of a basketball court…

I’m happy to say that I have met many people with whom I have been able to share these special moments. Some of them have stayed in my life, some left within hours, some returned unexpectedly, but thankfully the moments are still with me. And it’s exciting because I will keep having these amazing moments and I will keep meeting amazing people to share them with.
<3

B.I.R.T

Be it resolved that.....Naila thinks way too much for her own good.
I had this debate with myself about an hour ago...guess which side won?

As of this moment I am going to stop thinking so much, stop nit-picking at everything, stop over-analyzing and just Be. I can at least give it a shot - trying is better than simply 'not'.

>>>>>
It's going to be a productive night and I get to spend time with two super cool people tomorrow. All is well with the world :)

a visitor

The sun came out to visit today. We chatted, had some tea and cookies, though he told me he prefers Sunny D, and we got to catch up and reminisce about the good old days. I told him he could stop by anytime, I enjoyed his company. He said he might stop by again very soon, he apparently loves my baking.

Because I have made the mistake of ‘not’ listening to my mother in the past few days and not necessarily worn the most ‘suitable’ jacket I decided to wear my big black coat (despite the voice in my head and the weather report that said it would be warm out). Once I had crossed the street to get to my bus stop I noticed a guy walking to the hairdresser’s. He wasn’t wearing his jacket; he had on a light sweater. Damn I thought. Not only was it warm out, now I had the pleasure of lugging my coat around in addition to my already heavy tote. Yuck. But here’s the thing that made me smile – he was also wearing flip flops! Now I don’t know how many know this… but I hate shoes. I hate socks. My feet get terribly claustrophobic and I would love my life if it meant I could go barefoot (preferably on clean-esque roads and through warm sand) all day, every day. And this guy was wearing flip flops!! My hero. :)

Then…

I’m off the bus, walking downtown, multi-tasking …

I’m carrying my tote, my jacket, my lunch (warm Thai Express chicken fried rice) and phone. I am in the process of mentally figuring out the job descriptions for the directors I need to hire this week. Then my phone rings – yaay another call! I’m flustered and I have no hands. I have to remember why I called her in the first place. Prices? Venue? Curriculum? Wait – how many did you say I needed? Oh, so that won’t work? Damn. Ok. I’ll figure it out. Ok thanks. Then she asks, what your theme? The Million Dollar Question… and my mind is blank, I cannot for the life of me remember what the theme is. I have only been reading and re-reading the curriculum and activities (relating to said theme) for the past 3 weeks! Damn. Not I look like an idiot. Nope, a scatter-brained, leave-my-keys-in-the-freezer idiot. Double yuck.

But as I’m walking towards the big brown doors leading into the library (yes, the library on a beautiful Sunday afternoon…this is my life) I see a guy wearing shorts. YEssss! Awesome! Made my day :)
Spring is here.

Then …

I finally get to spend some quality time (much needed) with my best friend. There was major catch-up to do, stories to share, jokes for her to ‘not’ laugh at. Sigh…I’m really not as funny as I think I am sometimes, then again, I know I’m not that funny…but I have my moments.

The catch-up continues for a few hours as we make our way to Concordia, into my parent’s car, to khane, chatting in the bathroom, in the corner outside, by the nandi line, downstairs in the shoe area…

Dinner with the family, a quick glimpse of the awards on TV tonight – Taylor Lautner and Kristin Stewart. Zac Effron… hmmm…awards for what? Costumes? Ok…that’s my queue! Off to prepare for Monday...

My to do list has been replenished, fb has been checked, emails answered, prep work is done for the presentation on “The Cognitive and Affective Structure of Paranoid Delusions”.
I might shower before bed.
It’s been a good day – even mildly productive. Loads to do tomorrow.

Goodnight