They call it a detox, I call it... well I don’t know what I’d call it. But a few months ago I decided I wanted to do a cleansing of sorts – start afresh with everyone. Let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget – all of that. But on a deeper level, get rid of any judgements I had about people, no matter how I got them in the first place and just give everyone that 100% that I set out to when I first meet people. And let me tell you, the concept is all fine and dandy on paper – but it’s a bitch and a half to execute.
No matter how prepared I thought I was I was still put into situations where I became aware that past [mis]conceptions or judgements were resurfacing and I had to constantly re-evaluate and start over. I am judgemental, don’t get me wrong. And I don’t apologize for it. Sometimes I feel like the word judgemental has a bad rap. But you see, I am judgemental with reason (I think!). Which is exactly why I needed to do this – start afresh.
A few months in, when I’ve started talking to people I had in the past not taken the time to... and it was mutual, I feel like with a lot of people if you feel like you won’t have anything in common you just don’t bother, right? But I’ve met some great people and I’ve learned so much. And for me that has been the most rewarding part of this endeavour. I’ve always liked the idea of sitting down with someone and just immersing myself in their story. And I feel like I’ve been able to do so much more of that. I’ve gotten to learn so much more about people. It has been amazing. It’s probably one of the more cheesy things I’ve ever said but – everyone has a story, everyone has unique experiences, everyone has something to teach – I want to forever be at the receiving end of that. And the giving end sometimes too! :p
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Apparently sometimes you fail. I mean FAIL. We’re human, shit happens. I fell off the wagon. Boo! I couldn’t help myself. Everyone has their moment, that few seconds where the horrid from inside peeks out and then just unleashes itself onto unsuspecting bystanders. You know what I’m talking about. It happened a few nights ago – I didn’t mean for it to happen. But that girl just snuck up on me, caught me off guard and it just started spewing. All those pent up negative emotions (words, insults, what have you) squeaked past my new-found clean slate perspective on life. Damn.
I quickly realised how much of a process it is - needing constant attention. It is one thing to decide to change, and it's another thing to be conscious of ‘how’ you want to react and feel. But it’s a whole other ballgame when your subconscious spews hot lava you didn’t know was still brewing under the surface. “Sometimes we’re just Being Human, but we’re always Human Beings.” - JD Fortune."
