I woke up this morning confident – confident about who I am, where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going and all the in-betweens. One phone call later, I’m crouched in a corner of the bathroom at work sobbing. In retrospect, I still cannot, with certainty tell you if they were tears of joy, sorrow or fear. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I didn’t know what to do.
I am pretty confident in my abilities – but today that was questioned. Can I do this? Am I ready? So what did I do? I looked to the people closest to me, the people I truly care about, the ones who know me. And while they are telling me that I can take anything on, that they believe in me, that they trust and love me “listen to your heart, you will make the right decision” – I had never been so unsure in my entire life. I didn’t want to regret my decision and then a day, a week, a month from now resent [no one but] myself for making the wrong decision. And I only had a few hours to do this, by the way.
I won’t be explicit and talk about the situation itself, but today was a turning point. I had to really deliberate how much I trust myself. I was selfish. I was subjective. I am still terrified. My one biggest fear is what this could do to me. As a result of the past few months, I am finally, after so many years of being the quiet one, the mouse-y one, the awkward one, comfortable with who I am. It is ever changing, I know that, but I’m afraid that this might lead to a change that I’m not okay with. I need to keep myself in check. I don’t want to lose myself in obligation, in respect for the people around me, in responsibility I want to be okay with the changes this brings in me, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say “You are Naila” everyday of my life. I don’t want to be fake, I don’t want to waste my time, or yours. I don’t want to compromise so much that I lose sight of myself. I’ve never really thought about how much of “you” gets the backseat when you try to think about “them”. I realized that there is a fine line that cannot be crossed. There is an investment of time, energy and heart that goes into doing for others, but it shouldn’t go so far that you become a shadow of your actions. If you are a shadow, then who is warming the coals behind this engine that started the whole thing in the first place? Gosh I just noticed how that that didn’t even make enough sense in my head, let alone typed on my screen.
Today the earth underneath me cracked a little bit and now I have the option of jumping over to the other side, staying put or building a bridge. I built it…and I have no idea where it goes. This “unknown” factor is driving me nuts. And I’m scared as hell. But this’ll be a new experience that I didn’t expect or ever even consider, but what the hell – sometimes life gives you lemons and sometimes life throws the lemons at the back of your head.
"Life gave me lemonade and I can't imagine why
Born on a sunny day, beneath a tangerine sky
I live life without pretending
I'm a sucker for happy endings
Thanks for the lemonade!"
So tonight I have a request that I want to let out into the world: Let me stay true to myself. Let me always be able to look at myself in the mirror and have "Naila" looking back at me. Let me grow, fight, question, teach, learn, help, watch, listen, love.
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