Saturday, May 28, 2011

Why I Will Not SlutWalk


It all started in Toronto, when a police officer uttered the words, "women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized". The comment rightly riled up men and women and the result – The SlutWalk.

Slut is a word that comes from a place of hate and abuse and degradation; I do not want to reclaim it. I want to eradicate it and educate people - men and women alike should understand that it is unacceptable to judge someone based on how they experience their sexuality.  The word ‘slut’ is a judgment. My body is mine and in the same way that I do not give any one the right to abuse it physically, I do not give anyone the right to abuse it with words. So no, I do not like the word slut and no, I don’t want to take it back.

On another note, the police officer’s comments were indicative of a misunderstanding of crime against women. Coming from someone meant to protect.  I’m a little concerned. It gives rise to so many questions – how are victims of sexual assault treated when they approach the police? Do they experience a level of discrimination or stigma as a result of their chosen attire? I cannot begin to imagine what the experience might be like, imagine the added pressure when one feels judged while reporting a sexual assault. How many go unreported as a result? The police officer’s comments spotlight the need to educate people from every sphere;  even those we might assume already understand the issues.  We need more education - we need men to understand that what we wear does not give them the right to abuse, there is no excuse. Again, I reiterate - my body, my rules. No exceptions.

On that note, I’ll say that I think the SlutWalk is ineffective. Look at rape and what it is - power-driven. Rape is a crime perpetuated (more often than not) by someone close the victim – a family member, a friend, a trusted member of society – clothing choices are not at play here. Rape is used as a weapon of war in many countries; this in itself demonstrates that the motivation behind rape is so ingrained in ideas surrounding power and oppression. In countries where clothing is used as a medium to express conservative views etc, rapes still occur. Whether you are wearing a burqa, a sari, a pair of jeans or a mini skirt – rape doesn’t happen because a woman is wearing something specific, it happens because a woman is a woman.

No one can dictate what you choose to wear. I’ve heard the argument that women wear revealing clothes to get attention from men. I will admit, that about a week ago, I agreed. My academic background, my experiences with young girls – it all teaches me that there are a slew of influences out there and there are so many reasons why one might feel the need to gain attention. But what I’ve learned is that it is not my business to assume that I understand someone’s motivation based on how they dress. That is a judgment call that no on can make about another person.

But here’s what I think we need to focus on – self-esteem and confidence in one’s own choices. We live in a society that is so hypersexualized. Part of a young woman’s life is sifting through all the messages and not only coming to a personal decision, but feeling confident about the decision. We have what I call the ‘Pruddish/Sluttish’ continuum. And you need to figure out where you fall on this continuum, the only thing is that today, the decision is not yours. You are judged and placed on the continuum based on how people perceive the way you walk, talk, dress, act... Part of the feminist movement is sexual liberation- but how can one feel liberated if claiming responsibility and gaining confidence in one’s sexuality is deemed ‘sluttish’? And feeling confident does not mean you choose to be with 1 partner versus 3 or 10 – all it means is feeling confident in the choices you make for yourself no matter what they are.

I support the ideas behind the walk. I too believe that there needs to be a shift in ideology; a shift in the patriarchial ideology that clouds sexual assault and plays the blame game. But I don’t think the “SlutWalk” is the way to do it. Being associated with a word so deeply rooted in patriarchy and oppressive ideology is not the way to go about it. The word has spunk, it’s the new ‘buzz’ word; the word Slut has sensationalized the fight. I’m worried the walk itself will become a show. Women are not defined by their bodies; we do not wear our sexualities on our sleeves (or the lack thereof). Constantly focusing on women and their bodies and how that situates us in society, how that influences policy, etc has become tiresome for me to hear about. How about focusing a little more on what’s between my ears, as opposed to between my legs? How about a walk through the streets of Montreal where men and women walk in solidarity to raise awareness of gender issues - in hopes of integrating safe spaces where we can have a discussion about what sexual rights are, about respect for another person’s decisions, about equality and what constitutes harassment. That's a walk I will support.



Monday, May 23, 2011

Sometimes bad things happen to good people

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My belief system has always been to do good, for the sake of doing good. And hopefully the positivity benefits many people. My faith also teaches me that philanthropy, altruism, community work, helping those who are less fortunate - all of these are important and imperative. So here's what I've been thinking...

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Why is that? Is it possible that in the same way we can share "good", we collectively share "bad"? When someone does something good, I think the positive energy reverberates and whether it projects positive vibes directly (in a way that causes "good") or simply projects positivity that humms and ahhs through the world, it is doing good. But when someone does something "evil" or "bad", is that person the only one who suffers the consequences?

I was speaking to a man a few weeks ago, about exactly this. He said to me, that when a person leaves something unfinished in his life, his progeny takes on the responsibility to fulfill it. (There’s a story I once heard about Jaffer, I’ll include it below) Whether that factors in reincarnation or soul-travelling of some sort, he wasn't sure. But he said that, by the same stretch of logic, if one were to commit a sin in this life and not pay for it, his/her progeny would bear the burden of paying for a family member's sin. This is where my thought comes in: what if it isn't simply a family member who takes on the burden, but humanity? If projecting positive vibes in the world reverberated, what if negative vibes have the same effect? If I was to commit a sin, perhaps the burden of paying for it is put on humanity. And somewhere there is a bank of negative energy that has to be offset somehow... and that's how bad things happen to good people...

~~~
This is a story I heard a while back, and I’m paraphrasing from a memory, so if there are inaccuracies feel free to correct me, but forgive me in advance for any errors.
It goes something like this... A mother gave birth to a baby boy, and at the time, the Imam lived relatively close by and could be asked to visit people. This being a special occasion, he was invited and then asked to offer a name for the newborn. He offered the name Jaffer, the boy’s late great grandfather’s name. He also added, that the family should encourage their son to be learned in spiritual and religious matters. Why? Apparently his great grandfather was supposed to be a great religious figure, but as a result of certain events and choices in his lifetime, he was unable to pursue and fulfill the projection. But Jaffer, the young boy, would be able to continue what Jaffer, the great grandfather, had started.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Take a step back, fake an out-of-body experience, peek in - what do you see?

Recently I’ve been placed in a situation where I'm “starting over” with someone in my life. There are some complex positives and negative – but when life gives you lemons...  And on that note, I realized something while I was watching tv with my parents tonight. Sometimes you need to go backwards before you move forwards, to make sure you haven't skipped over anything. Maybe even grab a re-do or two. This applies to any sort of relationship - and tonight I've been thinking really hard about all the things that I might have missed, the stories untold, the experiences left hanging. Do you have apologies and tears tucked away somewhere? How about that story you decided to hold off on because it was uber corny, and then forgot all about? Tonight, I'm urging you to revisit them.

This realization has really left me on edge, I keep thinking that important people in my life have only met a piecemeal version of who I really am. I've been racking my brain thinking about some of the things I've been missing, and sure, there are a few menial, mundane stories I could share with close friends. But there are also some crucial, this-is-what-makes-me-me tales to tell. I've always been interested in revisiting the beginnings of a relationship, thinking back to how I've met people and how a chance meeting can sometimes result in a lasting friendship. Tonight I'm wondering just how well I know people and just how well they know me. I'm usually guarded when it comes to my relationships and I take my sweet time letting people in, so I'm a great example of details left behind.