Everyone's Doing It!

Everyone’s doing it. Every famous columnist, all the cool blog sites – they’re all writing their end-of-year pieces. Be they Top 10 Lists or run-throughs of their best giggle-worthy jabs at the latest political dimwit. I guess you could say I wanted to jump on the end-of-year-post bandwagon. Thing is, political dimwits do not make me giggle, nor am I all that funny.

2011 was a year sprinkled with some notable personal failures and some incredible professional successes. But above all, I met some beautiful people. And I want to dedicate my year-end Top 10 List to them, an ode to some of the mega super awesome people I’ve bumped into and/or had the pleasure of interacting with this year. This list isn’t simply an ode, but a reminder that the world is a lovely place and with the population growing at such an alarming rate we all need to step up our game and start meeting more people already!

*In no particular order and the symbols don’t have any particular meaning, simply to allow for anonymity and an air of mystery*

!!! - a woman whose life I feel I accidentally walked into, the same way the girl accidentally walks into the guy in a RomCom and they eventually become best friends because they tried dating and it just didn't quite work. She has taught me more than I can express. She helped me discover my truest passions, she taught me how to question myself, how to let go and let it all hang out. She taught me what it means to truly embrace the idea of being an individual.

@@@ - She let me finish my thought, scratch it out in the air with my flailing arms, go over it again, re-articulate, question and let it stew with that awful expression on my face as I wondered if I was right or not. Only then would she spring the hard question and floor me. Thank you.

### - A chance meeting at a party and a very cute friendship ensued. This man, a great artist and student of the world taught me to embrace the incongruent, to speak when not spoken to (and if you can, do it in a foreign language) and how to enjoy sitting on the hard chair instead of the booth in a dinge-y diner.

$$$ – My inspiration, my sister. When shit goes down, she lets it sink it, she rides the wave [like a Blue Crush pro] and then she makes it work. And she grows and learns from it all. I know too many people, (myself included) who falter, skip the learning and simply Rince and Repeat, to overlook how wonderfully graceful she is as she lives.

%%% – this is a young woman who constantly reminds me that there is such strength in the world, that there are good people in every corner and that more often than not – things are real, they’re hard to handle, they can get the better of us, but we can always go on those stealth missions to steal ‘em back!

^^^ – my North Star. For someone as directionally challenged as I am, having him around to gently tug at my shirt and point out that I’m about to hit another large painting in the street (only happened once!) is great.

&&& – The funnyman who inspires me to keep on learning seemingly useless bits of information because, ”Yes, I will tell that ridiculous story about the cats at my next dinner party”.

*** - when I was in elementary school I developed a love for running. But only after I realised just how much fun I had running after boys in the playground and that I ran so much faster if I was running after someone faster and stronger than myself, versus running along a track. This is a man who never ceases to amaze me and is thankfully always a few feet ahead of me pushing me to run just a tad bit faster.

()() – the man with one of the coolest tattoos I have ever seen! His love for his job, his zest for interaction and inter-generational dialogue is what the future is going to be made of.

+++ – a group of people who helped me realise that I do not have to apologize for what I think. Thoughts, concepts, theories – they’re all fluid and if I realise a fault in my most recent brainwave then all I have to do is head back to the drawing board, ponder, reconfigure and scribble all over again.

So my New Year’s wish for you all: that you may have the pleasure of meeting loads more than 10 beautiful people this year and that they each etch a very special place in your life. 

What's Love Got To Do With It?

My dad happens to watch a lot of documentaries and doctor shows, so ever so often the dinner conversation will turn to what Dr. Oz or some ayurvedic guru has been talking about today. This eventually turns into everything is genetically modified, we can’t eat anything, natural only grows on the other side of the equator and we’re all going to die of cancer from eating the very same healthy veggies that are supposed to prolong our lives. 

Great chicken, mom.

It ends on my note where I say we all pick our battles and if everything is going to eventually give us cancer, then how about I focus my time worrying about something else for a bit? What I really want to talk about are diamonds – so what does advice from Dr. Oz have to do with diamonds? I’m simply trying to cover my ass and say I realise there are a slew of issues to think about and there are dozens of consumer products that I buy and companies I buy from that in some way, shape or form contribute to conflict and strife in other countries. But I feel like diamonds are so incredibly unnecessary that eliminating them is actually quite simple. Whereas, taking on sweatshops and clothing and kitchenware, barbies and such ... I’ll admit, I don’t have much of a clue as to how I would start.

For a while now I’ve had an obsession with copper jewellery. My reasons are based on the idea of equality and the relative inexpensive nature of the metal as well as some of the health benefits. The “equality” point is very much related to the reasoning behind the Sikh kara, but that is a separate conversation. So, I like copper - I don’t like diamonds. When I found my copper engagement ring there were questions – there were concerns that the hippie was getting to my head and breaching the blood-brain barrier. But I am quite set on the idea of not having a diamond engagement ring. I think the idea is quite ridiculous and diamonds are delivered dripping with the blood of innocent people who don’t need to die for a section of the world’s population who are convinced they need to demonstrate their “love” (bullshit btw) and monetary fortitude to passersby. Firstly, giving someone an expensive rock to wear on their finger is not an automatic sign, nor is it the only way to convey to someone that you love them and want to be with them for an extended period of time. Oh wait – there – see how I did that? I used words to convey the same message that thousands of people assume a shiny rock will do for them. Ha! (eat my shorts Kay jewellers). And if you feel that the idea of a ring (a solid circle to symbolize eternity, never-ending, everlasting love) is important for the engagement process, and I do, then can you not get a ring that doesn’t have a diamond in it? Like a very pretty copper-blend ring that will match perfectly with a gold wedding band (if that is what you’re in to)...?

Perhaps the first step is getting educated and learning more about the diamond trade and how diamonds make it to the elegant settings on one’s ring finger. Yes, there is a movement to import conflict-free diamonds. My point remains the same – diamonds that contribute to conflict and death in many countries across the globe still exist. The simple fact that many societies still lend so much value and merit to the diamond engagement ring (and the various concepts about love and marriage attached to it) means that the conflict diamond will continue to exist. And fiancées everywhere will still contribute to the plight of people across the globe.

Reject the diamond, because really, what’s love got to do with a shiny stone that people ooh and ahh over?

I dream of the day when people realise how unnecessary the diamond is; I can only hope that this massive collective realization is coming soon. Society as it is is fuelling the market for these blood diamonds. In the same way that environmental organizations demand a value shift and shift in the way we see the earth and our impact on it – we need to start applying the same theory to the diamond industry. Reduce-Reuse-Recycle works at the micro and macro levels. Rejecting the antiquated and misguided ideal of the diamond engagement ring (and other forms of diamond body embellishment) for yourself is all part of the larger ripple effect that will slowly but surely erect change in parts of the world many people know nothing about. I talk about this often; the idea of globalization extends farther than simply discussing our connections via world economies, political alliances and [more efficient] means of communication. We are connected in a human way that I feel many people neglect to acknowledge. Our decisions and choices (positive and negative) affect people in every which corner. That is the true ripple effect. You know that famous quote from Mahatma Gandhi that gets thrown around ALL the time? At every conference, every youth group meeting, every feel-good demonstration, in every sappy article, I’m sure I’ve even seen a few tweets... “Be the change you want to see in the world” Well people, I think it’s time to be the fucking change.

David Robert-style “Peace”.

Society's Martyrs

I’ve been doing some reading and I think I can relate the eastern religions’ concept of bodily transcendence to one who is fighting a larger cause. You lose who you are at a superficial level, you disregard stress and bodily afflictions. You disregard seemingly selfish personal needs – be they sleep, food or personal relationships. Isn’t that the equation for success? You need to think about the bigger picture as opposed to an ego-centric one, right? Do we sell ourselves for a cause? I’ve met people who plan their daily, as well as extended lives based on an overarching humanitarian goal – do we need more of that to collectively bring us down and off of this independence/dog-eat-dog horse many of us are on? Or is this a temporary process; forsake it all to reap the benefits later on in life? The benefits in the case of the pursuit I’m referring to would be different than those of a Hindu ascetic, for example.

Let’s assume it is temporary and all a part of the process – when does it stop, and can you reintegrate at that point? What does reintegrate even mean? Watching mind-numbing episodes of Gossip Girl and indulging in mass consumerism? Or is there a “point of no return”? Can one achieve a true balance or are these people society’s martyrs?

Adoption

Something I've been thinking about this for quite some time, years actually - adoption. Today I want to talk about what that means to me. The idea came from a few life experiences. For a large part of my childhood I was well aware that my aunt had trouble getting pregnant. And like many other bodily ailments, at some point I began worrying that as I came closer to a point in my life where I wanted to get pregnant, I might have trouble. So adoption began surfacing as an idea. With more thought and as I grew older and thought more about children around the world, as well as my own motivation to mother, adoption seemed like a no-brainer. All I wanted was to be able to offer love to a child. Whether said child comes out of my body or someone else's - I don't particularly care. People tell me I'm naive. I've heard that I will feel differently as I grow, I will want to feel a child in my womb. Can you feel your womb? Yea, I didn't think so. 

On that note, I will share another personal fear. As soon as I began talking about my plans and putting the idea out into the world, I was overcome with intense anxiety. Now that I had put out there that I wanted to adopt, by some worldly energy I will now definitely not be able to bear a child. I'll admit, the thought of losing that option scared me. It took all of an hour before I asked my mom for her gyno's number. I think I'm over the anxiey now. Regardless of my options, I am quite set in my decision to adopt at least one child, if not more. The number of children I eventually have is dependent on many things. Whether I bear my own as well, that’s something to think about at a different point in my life.

Something I do want to point out is this notion - I'm not saying it is held by many, but I will say that too many people have brought it up for me to ignore its existence. The belief is that if I was to bear and birth a child and adopt another that I will love my biological child more than my adopted; simply because said child exited my body. Again, funny how people are so comfortable telling you how you will feel.

Realistically, and anyone who has taken a child psychology course will know that there is a feedback system when it comes to parenting. You will react to a child's temperament for example. Your child in turn will react to you, as well as to your reaction. If you have two children, and one is more difficult, it is possible that you will react differently. It is possible that as a child grows and develops, as a parent you might find yourself getting along more easily with one child versus the other. I have a much better relationship with my mom. But I am more like my dad, personality-wise. If that is seen as differences in love so be it. But what I'm trying to say is, your relationship with one of your children is not a carbon copy of your relationship with another.

But to say that love for a child is contingent on whether or not the child exits your body - that's disgusting. And how do you measure love? C'mon. I want to be a mother, to love a child. If you want to be a parent to claim ownership - please don't bother. There are so many children who are craving love, stability, parents. I just happen to be craving someone to offer that to. Point final. Anyhow, I just don't like the idea of conditional love. For various reasons that will tangent into conversations that are best had on a different day.

Day of Action against harassment in Parc-Extension

--------> Women Against Street Harassment and Violence

Saturday September 24th, 2011

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For: Womyn ages 14-20

419 St-Roch

William-Hingston Centre

Main Entrance

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A day of action will be held in Parc-Extension as a result of various girls and women bringing up the fact that they or their friends have been followed, whistled at, been bothered in public spaces (parc, metro, bus), or stared at to the point they have felt uncomfortable or threatened. A series of workshops will be held from 11- 4 p.m. Please see workshops' description below. Workshops will be held in both english and french.

11-12:30 pm Respecting Personal Boundaries

Interacting with someone or being in a relationship with someone means different things to different people. People have differences in how they deal with each other and what kind of relationship they want, but everyone, including women want to be treated with respect. This workshop aims to facilitate a discussion among Grrrlz to discuss what it means to respect oneself, and how to let others know what our personal boundaries when interacting with them.

12:30-1:30 pm Snacks/Lunch

1:30-3:00 pm Self-Defense Workshop

All women and girls can defend themselves, it's a matter of discussing and learning strategies. This 1.5 hour workshop aims to start talking about verbal and physical strategies around self-defense. It will be facilitated by a Womyn for Grrrlz aged 14 to 20. In order to organise the workshop, we need to know how many people are planning to attend before hand, and any other important information you think is important for us to know. Please send your name/age/list of any medical conditions to sawccyouth@gmail.com

3:00-4:00 pm Theatre pieces and Solidarity walk preparation

This hour will be used to coordinate skits and prepare posters that will be used during the Solidarity walk in Parc-Extension.

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Boys aged 14 – 20 years

Basketball activities for boys will begin at 1:30 pm – meet at the front entrance of the William-Hingston Center (419 St. Roch)

Snacks included. 

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---------> Women for Respect: Solidarity March

All are welcome!

Start: Saint-Roch and Durocher

4:00-5:00 pm Solidarity March

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WHY are we marching?

·         because we demand that public spaces should be safe for everyone

·         because we want everyone in parc-ex to be able to sit in the park

·         because we want everyone to respect each other near the metro

·         because we share the streets

·         because staring is not sexy

·         because girls and women are an important part of the parc-ex community

This event is being organised by an ad-hoc youth committee of the South Asian Women's Community Centre (SAWCC). For more information, please contact: sawccyouth@gmail.com

Judge a book by its cover?

My mom and I were driving by the American Apparel store a few days ago and I commented on how the girls closing the store looked like they would be working there. One of them was wearing those awful, awkwardly shaped pants. You'd look better wearing a potato sack, trust me. Point I'm trying to make is - she fit with my image of an employee of a store that produces a very specific style of clothing. There are very many jobs that might require one to look the part - and I mean this in a less superficial (makeup/hair/clothes) way...

In the 90s, Friends was huge! I remember episodes when the women were swooning over cops and firemen. Men, who by virtue of their line of work, had to be strong and muscular (and presumably fast). The fact that the tall, dark and handsome trifecta worked for them - well, let's just call that a bonus.

So, when a few days ago I saw a Public Security officer standing in the street, fully equipped with his yellow security tape and sizeable beer belly.... let's just say he didn't quite have the same *swoon* effect as the cops who put out Phoebe, Rachael and Monica's "Boyfriend Bonfire" one Valentine's Day. Not that, that is what one looks for in Public Security or Police officers. But I didn't necessarily feel safe. More and more I'm seeing cops who in all honesty do not seem like they would be able to run after me if I snatched someone's purse (You thought I would say 'if someone snatched my purse' huh? What can I say, I like to keep my readers on their toes!). 

I just don't feel safe when I see cops who look like they could not protect if the need arose. Not to say that we should judge a book by its cover. Perhaps the cop has excellent stamina, great taser skills...but for some reason I feel like science would tell me that his BMI score might hinder his ability to run after a suspect in the street, let alone save a kitty from a tree. On the taser note, anyone think that equipping cops with tasers has something to do with lax requirements concerning how 'physically' capable they are to actually police? I wrote a post on the cops a while ago that took me through a similar thought process [link].

All I'm saying is that sometimes you need to look the part, sometimes it is about presentation. Perhaps there should be periodic strength training and endurance tests for cops? I've yet to contact a police station to ask...but I'll keep you all posted on how that conversation plays out.

Love Songs for Bobby Long

NB: This post might come off as a bit scattered, but only because the song references make sense in my head, not necessarily the case in print. So please click the links and check out the songs, because otherwise...well...the post probably won't feel like much to you. And if it's not your kind of stuff, that's cool. I'm always open to new music suggestions, so pass on the good stuff!

"Breathe out, so I can breathe you in" [song]

Can you imagine someone whispering that to you? How about someone serenading you, edge of the bed, bedhead, acoustic guitar ....

I'm all for being "your everything", "your life, your love, forever and always" stuff (though I take issue with statements like that more often than not). I want to be someone's Delilah, Mary, Rani, Sonia. Hell, I'd settle to be someone's Jolene! But as much as I can appreciate the emotionally piercing lyrics of the conventional Celine Dion , Lionel Ritchie types, I swoon when I hear "Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words" [song]. You've gotta love this song! It's just so carefree, bohemian contract work, all you need is love-esque.

Ask me to change your "D batteries"? [song] Now you've got me hooked! There are few love songs I would listen to over and over again and not hate. And I'm talking about the songs that make you feel all warm and fuzzy and embarrassingly cute if you've got someone, but by the same effect throw you to the ground and kick you in the groin if you've lost someone. But what I really love are these alternative love songs. Songs that use Words! They are rhythmic in a way that walks away, turns its head and sneers at the "love, dove, you surround me like a glove" or the "nose to nose, wrist to wrist" nonsense. How can you be wrist to wrist? That's an awkward position on a bed, isn't it? The only time wrists rub together are when you've just spritzed perfume on A wrist and need to get it on to the Other. Jeez louise, who writes this stuff?

The songs that I want to jump into and bask in their intelligent use of language are the ones that sound more real and gritty and yes, fluttery and happy and sure, maybe even a little hippie, too. "Jolene, Jolene" oh yes, Jolene you green-eyed beaut you. Can you please throw a man a bone? Or a man... whichever. [song]

Recently I discovered another great addition to my Love Songs for Bobby Long playlist (yes, that is a movie title, but it was a great movie and I love the title). The song is "Stereo Hearts" by Gym Class Heroes feat. none other than Adam Levine (yay!) [song, again]. Firstly, great name! Who doesn't love a  gym class hero? That could be anyone actually - the jock or even the principled kid in the back who stood up against the bully-jock or bully-teacher who picked on the scrawny kid during dodgeball practice.

Wander in the glory that is this beautiful song... oh lala!

"If I was an old-school, fifty pound boombox
Would you hold me on your shoulder, wherever you walk
Would you turn my volume up in front of the cops
And crank it higher everytime they told you to stop
And all I ask is that you don't get mad at me
When you have to purchase mad D batteries
Appreciate every mixtape your friends make
You never know we come and go like on the interstate"

Funky Colours

I went dress shopping with a friend of mine recently and actually really enjoyed myself. It was a very unconventional shopping trip. Firstly, I do not enjoy shopping – it was more or less a forced shopping trip. Forced because my sweet baby brother bought me a dress for my birthday and after having to return it twice he got fed up and left me with a bag and a receipt. Secondly, the friend I went with lives in a different country.

A few days ago I was talking to someone and he commented on not only how some of the people closest to me live outside Montreal, but that I actually stay in touch with the lot of them. I believe that once you’ve connected with someone, distance should have no bearing on that connection. This is why I tend to stay in touch with the people who matter, no matter where life decides to take the two of us. You know how it goes, some things in life are worth it -  so you invest.

This shopping trip was great! My plan was to take pictures and then via bbm (picture messaging) decide together which ones worked and which didn’t. So I walked into a clothing store, picked up a few prospects and headed to the changing rooms. At first I handed my phone to the clerk outside the changing room, hoping she could help me take the pictures. Let’s just say I was less than impressed with her photography skills. She was a great help when it came to zipping and tying strings though! Finally, I maneuvered my short arms at an angle and did an a-okay job if I don’t say so myself.

There were “yays”, there were “nays” and there was a “the top bit looks weird”. But it was by far one of the most entertaining shopping trips I’ve been on. I was anxiously awaiting responses as I bbm-ed the pictures to a faraway land. It was great!

In a time where we’re all equipped with technology on our laptops and smart phones. In the times of skype, facebook, various messaging services, twitter, facetime, bbm – how can you not stay connected? Granted, it only works if you enjoy the wondrous world of intricate, sometimes tricky, sometimes privacy-lax world of technology and social media.  I just happen to be one of those people. In a sociology class the hype word is “globalization”. The world is smaller, we are all interconnected through our economies. Really, we are all connected on such deep levels, connected in our experiences, in our plight, in our fights, our riots, our successes, our celebrations, our hunger. Today, we are even more so – let me introduce you to a whole new world *cue Aladdin singing to Jasmine on his magic carpet* a world where you can dress shop with someone who is physically miles away. Fashion-wise, maybe a little closer ;) Though there was a comment about my knack for picking similar colour schemes – I’ll leave the funky colours for my nails :p

 

Rumana Manzur - a response

Before continuing, take a few moments to read the “Open Letter from Bangladeshi families of Vancouver and University of British Columbia about Rumana Manzur” here

Violence against women and domestic violence is not an issue specific to Bangladesh. Granted, it exists there. After a conversation with a social/community worker who works specifically with the Bangladeshi community in Montreal I’ve learned that domestic violence is in fact becoming a growing problem, not only back home, but within the migrated community living in Canada.

An interesting tidbit she shared with me – there is a misconception within South Asian circles that abuse co-exists with poverty and a lack of education. Her experience tells her otherwise. Abuse has become more and more visible amongst educated couples. Note that this is not a simple equation; one can deduce a number of conclusions. Perhaps the higher level of education relates to a higher likelihood to report abuse/seek help. Obviously this is not empirical evidence, nor is it coming from my own personal experience. So take it as it is – a community worker’s decade (+) of experience in a very specific region working with a very specific community. Experiences and deductions not to be generalized willy-nilly-ily, nor discounted of course! Because let’s face it – violence against women/domestic violence/spousal abuse exists laterally, cutting across ethnicities, religious affiliations, race, creed, socio-economic status and level of education.

All that to say, it begs the question, “how do you address the issue without perpetuating negative stereotypes of [a] South Asian community?” This is something I’ve struggled with recently, as a community worker delving into issues such as harassment of women [in public space] in particularly ghetto-isez areas of Montreal with a visible South Asian population. Toronto had a publicized conference addressing the “Impact of Family Violence: A South Asian Perspective”. I wonder what the response was to that...

So back to the original purpose of the post: the letter written in solidarity by “Bangladeshi families of Vancouver and the University of British Columbia”. I found it interesting that throughout the letter, the actions committed by her husband were not deplored based on the fact that they were violent and abusive. They were instead condemned, as was the perpetrator based on the [counter-] argument that Rumana did not in fact have an extramarital affair. She was portrayed as an abiding Muslim woman, dedicated to her husband and child.

What does this say about how this group of people feel about domestic violence? Would they have considered aggression that culminated in the gouging out of her eyes warranted had Rumana actually been with another man while away from her husband? Would the community have shown her the same support and concern in that case? Who would stand with her, in solidarity, not only against the violence perpetuated against her – but violence perpetuated against women in general?

Never gonna leave this bed

(If you have yet to watch the video for Maroon 5’s song, “Never Gonna Leave This Bed” then please indulge for a few minutes before you continue.

 

Our minds work in mysterious ways. No matter how strong-willed one might be, the fact is that within your own mind you can always find an alternate response. The past few weeks I’ve noticed this pattern time and time again. Even the most grounded and rational people fall prey to their own minds.

...

Love is complicated. I’ve been told that sometimes you have to be a stubborn little mule, stick to your ground and not move an inch until you get the response you’re looking for. But for those neurotics, and I know you’re out there, this is sometimes difficult. If you stick your ground, how do you know you’re on the right ground? Perhaps there is another path leading up the same way? And because you are stubborn in believing in your stubbornness in the first place, you don’t pay heed to the possibility of another road. Then what? Now what? Ugh. It is sometimes a fickle thought process that jumps in and out and has all these magnificent twists and turns along the way. But if there is one thing I’ve learned from my own experiences as well as those of my close friends – stay true to yourself and the overarching purpose. If your cause is noble and your heart is in the right place, then keep on trekking, no second-guessing. BE Adam Levine in bed with the hot blond, hanging on for dear life, refusing to move an inch away from the bed they share together. They seem to be doing a-ok.

Disclaimer: when I say “until you get the response you’re looking for” please note that I wholeheartedly believe in respecting another person’s decisions. By no means am I assuming that sticking to something will ultimately lead to what one deems a favourable decision. When discussing relationships, there are two people involved and sometimes the mule needs to back down.