This year I wanted to make a more legitimate list. For some reason I think “no poutine” just won’t cut it as a resolution this year. Though, I am quite proud of myself, I can count the number of times I’ve had poutine in the past year on one hand :)
This year I will answer “yes” when asked if I am fluent in French, with absolutely no hesitation.
This year I want to spend more time with my family. I really do take my parents for granted, and so this year I want to make more time for them. It doesn’t even have to be anything special, just trying to watch tv together or something. But I’m really going to make a concerted effort.
The next resolution is a very personal project. I have a tendency to not forget anything, especially very emotionally charged moments in my life. This year I want to do something about all the emotional baggage I carry around with me. It’s not a bad thing per se, it makes me who I am, but some of it has become a hindrance and in the past few months I’ve become an avoider of any/all the major issues. So this year I will fix it – whether it means trying out EFT by myself, or maybe even going to see a therapist (I’ve always wanted to) or maybe I just need to open up to the people around me in a ‘real’ way as opposed to the superficial opening up I find myself doing more and more often these days.
Within this year also falls a great anniversary... it'll be the end of my "exploration" year - what started out as a conversation with an old prof, and then an intership at SAWCC (and maybe even a job come January 6th)... the year is up in 2011 and that means I've got some decisions to make, some proposals to write, some serious changes...
This year I want a plan. It’s been a while since I’ve had one, and part of the reason why is because I’ve become addicted to the thrill and adrenaline rush of living each day as it comes. But now I’m feeling more and more like I need a solid direction and path, the go with the flow attitude of the past few months has led me astray and I’ve made too many careless mistakes. So by the end of January I want a plan outlining some of my goals and pathways for the year, if not longer. By the end of Jan, I should have something on paper.
I want to be bolder. I haven’t quite figured out what bolder means because my baseline has changed drastically, so this resolution is a work in progress. Definition pending.
I want to learn how to focus. Anyone who knows me knows that I have peak hours of productivity, late evening and early in the morning. But lately, my focus has been so off that I find myself accomplishing less and less. I get sidetracked, and this is evident in the projects I’ve taken on – the number, the themes, the locations lol – all the travelling has taken its toll on me these past 4 months. This goal relies on the abovementioned goals, figuring things out and feeling more relaxed in my own skin will surely help me focus better, in all areas of my life.
I’m going to burrow a little deeper into my hole and shrink my friend circle. Chalk it up to another bout of personal/life cleansing, but I want to shuffle things around and focus more on the people who are really important to me. I can’t waste more precious time on small talk with people I don’t care for. I can’t stand another moment of the toxicity certain people bring me. I want to take a large chunk of time to work on myself, to better myself, because despite all the realisations I’ve come to, despite the enormous personal growth of the past year I have not taken the time to delve in, sift through all the life lessons and really figure them out. And it’s not until I’ve done that, that I’ll be able to put any of it to good use. Right now it’s just a pile sitting in the back of my mind (spirit? space between my subconscious and conscious mind? wherever it is...), and my newly developed habit of avoiding anything personally/emotionally meaningful has a lot to do with the stagnant nature of said ‘pile’. Plus I feel like when I really truly embrace solitude and some of the negative emotions of it I grow and gain a better understanding of myself. And I write more. I’ve been typing nonstop this past 48 hours and I’m loving it.
My resolutions are a little ambiguous and by the end of 2011 the conclusions will be untestable for reasons Freud and the study of psychoanalysis could shed some light on, but it is what it is. Wish me luck with this chapter in a book I’m calling Self-Realisation for Dummies.
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