Don’t put her on a leash, please.

When I think of a leash I think of a dog, a pet. I think of the S&M seminar I attended. I think of conversations of degradation and oppression of women, particularly racialized women in music videos. It does not make me think of good parenting methods. 

A few weeks ago I saw a woman with her daughter (about 7, I’d say) on a leash in a hotel lobby. It was a pink leash, yay for helping your daughter internalise sex-specific colour schemes at an early age! Anyways, at the time I laughed – but really, it upsets me to no end. Snoop Dogg and his excuse-of-a-man sidekick 50 Cent led women on leashes in their P.I.M.P. video. Glamorizing the lifestyle of a pimp. Disgusting. Then I saw a video of a woman dragging her child across a store floor. Wtf. There really needs to be an application process for people who want to procreate!

But the real reason of this post – kids in daycares travelling on leashes. I’m equally disturbed by this, and it turns out a lot of people do not agree with me. Rather, they think it to be a good idea to keep a group of children bound to each other on yes, a leash. I’ve heard many rebuttals to my arguments. “Kids these days...They’re less cautious...You don’t want to lose one...Wouldn’t you want to take all the precautions you could...What if he ran into the middle of the street?” Granted, this past week I encountered a 7 year old monster. Such energy!  He ran around a classroom yelling “F*** you! F*** you, B****!” Yeah. I have so much respect for teachers. But fear of what this child might do in the street is not excuse enough to put him on a leash.

You see, socialization starts early. And most often it starts at home, though it is becoming more and more a joint project now that kids enter some form of daycare or educational institution earlier. When I was a kid I was taught to hold someone’s hand, to walk on the inner pathways, to look both ways before crossing the street, to not run after a ball if it got kicked into the street. But if all we’re doing is putting kids on a leash, when do they learn these things? There’s obviously no need to tell them if they are constantly on a leash, ready to pull back if they started to stray. Urm... yeah. These are our CHILDREN.

There used to be a buddy system. Hold your buddy’s hand as you walked from the daycare center to the park. It taught responsibility – it taught kids how to be responsible for themselves and for their “buddy”.  What happens now? Straps. You don’t learn anything while you are being herded down a sidewalk attached to other kids. There is no awareness of their travelling; each child is simply doing what they’re doing, except that they are respecting the physical confines of the leash. There is no lesson learned. Why are these golden moments of learning negated, and for what reason?

If you don’t start early, when will that little boy learn? I still look both ways when I cross. That kid will be j-walking in a few years ... still gonna keep him on a leash? Oh wait! No, parents can get GPS-tracking on their kids cellphones. Phew! And here I though we were doomed.

If we constantly try to protect and coddle children, we are not letting them engage in one very important element of childhood: self-learning. To internalise rules, concepts, ideas, kids need to be able to engage themselves in the process. Shielding them from the troubles of the world, this fear-mongering, is not helping them one bit. So let the kids loose, let them play in the dirt, let them make toys out of empty boxes... 

Started out with a mental gratitude journal...

After a great night I came home and I was feeling grateful for a lot...then that transformed into a late-night conversation with a friend, which made me not only appreciate what I have, but also realise something about the kind of relationships I want in my life. The topic has come up a few times the past few weeks, with a few people, perhaps it's just that time of the year. As university students we're faced with that dreaded countdown to friends graduating, figuring out what they'll be doing next month and unfortunately them telling you just how far away they'll be. Then what happens next...well, we are all quite familiar with it. Though, it doesn't always happen that way.

I think what I figured out is though I have this anthropologically based concept of why marriage doesn't work and monogamy isn't necessarily the way of the future [for the next generation] I still want it. I still want to spend the rest of my life with someone who understand me, someone who constantly tests me, teases me, calls me out on my bs. I want to have someone to share with. Now if that falls under the banner of marriage or not, we'll see. But after this conversation I realised something.

***text courtesy of that annoying, yet slightly useful new inbox thing-ey on facebook. 

Let me cut in here and explain why I think marriages don’t always work... as people we are constantly changing and growing. You might be compatible with your partner today, but in the following 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades, things will happen and you will change as a person, independent of your partner. So what ensures that you will both be compatible at any given point in your futures? Nothing. It takes work to hold onto a relationship while all of that is going on. And maybe I’m generalizing but something about the current divorce rate tells me that people today aren’t willing to work for it, and it’s sad. But it seems to be a reality. So maybe monogamy, the nuclear family and whatever it is our parents (though I should probably be referring more to our grandparents) have will not be the reality we experience. Why their marriages lasted so long, that’s a whole different conversation in itself.

Though this argument still makes logical sense to me. When you find someone you want to spend your life with, that person is not someone who has a predetermined box. The two of you create your own box. So yes, you will change and grow at different paces, but that deep trust and connection is still there, so whatever the two of you decide to add to the box next, it won’t really matter if the colours match. In the end it just works. And that makes logical sense too, if your core values stay the same, a relationship can work because each person can discuss changes and make compromises and work with the other to make sure that life changes and events don't cause a degradation.

Now this doesn't just apply to romantic/lifelong relationships. This conversation started out with a friend of mine. And I feel blessed that I have people like this in my life - no predetermined boxes. No matter what happens, where we are in life, where we are geographically, we can pick up where we left off. We can always snap right back into a groove we created together long ago. That’s a sign of true friendship to me. and what I enjoy is that when I’m feeling down about someone moving away and potentially being just another passer-by in my life, I meet someone new who reminds me that the world is a beautiful place and sometimes these people need to simply stop by to remind you just how lucky you are.

While we’re on this sentimental, ‘La Vida es Bella’ note, check out this link

Here's to wonderful people!

Everyday Heroes: South Asian Youth in Action

Yesterday’s [storytelling] scavenger hunt was a great experience. It had been the first time I had planned something like that, also the first time I had planned a legitimate activity to celebrate International Women’s Day. It was the 100^th anniversary, but to me it felt like my first official. I was lucky to be able to spend a few hours hearing and sharing stories, discussing everything from gender roles to the ability to coexist as queer and south asian.

A few things stood out along the way. Firstly, there were only 2 men who participated. I would have liked to have more men at an event like this. I feel that it is important to have an open dialogue, not just within the south asian community in general, but even more specifically between female and male youth. Just last night a friend mentioned that it was mainly women he could engage in conversations with (conversations about politics, gender issues, theology, what have you). Why is that? Why is it so hard for me to get my male friends to engage in dialogue with about the work I do? About International Women’s Day? Is it apathy? Are people just generally satisfied with the status quo? The struggle for equality is not over, so why have we stopped talking about it?

Chatting with the women along the way was great; talking about everything from gender roles to contraceptives vs. safe-sex practices. The day was full of interesting tidbits, the flow of the sessions was perfect, conversations and dialogue were fluid and informative. I loved having the opportunity to share stories and spotlight moments of true courage with such a wonderful bunch of people.  A little cheering along the way. A silver wig? Dry-cleaning a sari? Oh good time, good times :)

Another part of the day that genuinely inspired and comforted me was during the last discussion about atypical career paths. A friend of mine has what we’ve labelled an atypical career. And hearing her go through the paths she took to end up where she is. Sometimes it is hard to hold on to the rationale I have for my life choices. It is hard to stay true to what I think I believe... how do you hang on to that level of self confidence when what you’re doing is seemingly unorthodox? It takes me to the idea of the looking glass self, sometimes I need people to tell me that I’m on the right track. If they see me as following the right path then it’s easier for me to hold on to that confidence in what I’m endeavouring to do. I know what that says about my self-confidence, but we all know that confidence has its ebbs and flows, mine just tends to wean in light of my ‘different’ career path.

But after yesterday’s session I got the boost I needed. Her discussion was truly inspiring. She talked about trusting yourself and following your feelings – no matter where they originate, head, heart, gut... just Go with it and Go for it. And sometimes good things happen, she called it serendipity. I am a wholehearted believer in serendipity. I think sometimes magic is in the air and good things happen because the cosmos align and you are in the right place at the right time. So smile. Be happy. Keep on trekking. Follow your heart. Is that enough sap for one day? Shall I add a slice of cheese to the platter? A dream that you wish will come true... Cinderell-y Cinderell-y

=)