The Queens were onto something

“I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.
I want a new mistake, lose is more than hesitate.
Do you believe it in your head?
I can go with the flow
I would say it doesn’t matter (with the flow) matter anymore”
- "Go With The Flow” Queens of the Stone Age

Does everything have to have some sort of real-life, help-with-my-future value? I’ve always been very oriented in all that I do – oriented towards a goal, in any way or form. The clubs I joined, books I read, courses I took etc. it wasn’t until the plans failed, plan A, plan B, plan C (that I came up with on the spot to avoid internal conflict, dissonance anyone?) all came crashing down around me. It wasn’t until I was unable to find a direction to follow, a goal to work towards, that I was able to really appreciate the words ‘go with the flow’. It is scary as hell, but all in all not that bad a concept.

There is a benefit to ‘going with the flow’ – I think while on this flow I was better able to understand myself, who I am, who I want to be. And not those tangible, material things like a house, a car and a good job. The REAL things, the feelings I want to hold on to, the ideas I want to live by, the people I want to meet, the experiences I want to have. And no I don’t have a list of these experiences, but I know that I want them and that’s enough.  And then there’s the unknown, the empty space that you know will get filled, but  “with what?” --- that is the question. And for once, it is perfectly okay that the space isn’t filled yet and that I don’t know the when or the how either.

That knowledge, that self-knowledge is what I have been striving for, for a very long time. What’s great about figuring that out is that, along with that knowledge I have learned that it is ever changing. It is not written in stone, or in a notebook, it is a butterfly effect. With every new person in my life, with every new experience and feeling the tables will turn and I will grow, I will renew, I will change.

I guess I can’t say that I’m not goal-oriented anymore though. The goals have just changed. They aren’t associated with a career, or a grade, with a possession, they are a true reflection of Who I want to be, not what I want to be defined by. I don’t want “Naila the doctor”, “the mother”, “the businesswoman”, the” board member” (even though I do want some of these) – I want to be Naila, the one who can one day look back on the past 10 years and say, “Yes, I followed my heart and even though I might not be a firefighter or a ballerina like I planned when I was 6… I feel good, I do good, I cry, I laugh, I care, I want, I help, I see ... just like I always wanted to.”

My dearest Mario

Super Mario and I have always had a very special relationship... him and his games have been there for the most defining moments of my life. That plumber has a very special place in my heart.

But like any couple, we have our moments. But recently I've come to conclude that we have a rocky relationship. I think we've reached a point where we are just going in two different directions, we have grown and changed and just don't seem to be compatible anymore. You know how most couples go through this, and they make compromises, and they end up growing and adapting together? Well Mario and I, you see, his Go Karting stage is just a little too much for me... and that Princess... well let's just say I have some interesting alternate names for her.

And to mark today, which is a momentous occasion in our relationship, I would like to share a few things:

Firstly, I am so proud of Mario for taking the plumbing profession to new heights. He and Luigi are doing so well for themselves, especially after they pooled their resources together in Super Smash Bros.

Secondly, I would like to make a retraction of my previous "the princess is just naive" comment(s). She is Not. She is a total hoe-bag, excuse my french. And I Do Not Approve.

Like I mentioned, Mario has really been there for me... but not even he could help me when I got behind that wheel (or joystick rather). I was doomed. And when I got stuck in that train tunnel, I was scared and alone and I didn't know what to do, how to get out.. and Mario couldn't get to me. He was too busy, right? All the way up there on his third round, he paid no heed to me. And I have to say, that was the last straw.

So Mario darling, I'm leaving you. I might just decide to shack up with Yoshi. I know you don't like him, but maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to go out saving that pretty little princess of yours! Damsel in distress - why you little!!


Have a nice life Mario. I hope she makes you happy.


P.S. They're fake. Just thought I'd put that out there.

Prepare yourself for the long haul

This morning's horoscope inspired me to post today...

Overnight success is a seductive dream, but in reality it happens about as often as being dealt a royal flush. Don’t shy away from that elaborate plan because it’s going to require dedication and hard work. Prepare yourself for the long haul, and the results will justify your efforts.

I'm more of a grassroots, little picture, baby steps kind of girl. But I have one teeny tiny problem - I am "big picture" shy. I cannot think of the bigger picture, I cannot look that far into the future. I think small. I think 'how can I make this better right now?' If for some reason the effects reverberate into the future, so be it. But I have a problem thinking that far ahead. The could be many reasons for this, none of which I'd like to divulge right now. But anyways...I have this plan. And this is an exception - my plan for this plan, is to not really delve into the plan [for the plan] for a Lonnnng time. It's something that was a fleeting image in the back of my mind, an outline of sorts, something that wouldn't have or shouldn't have, rather, materialized for at least a decade. But alas! You meet people. Haha I just realized how much it sounds like I'm planning my wedding...but no.

I have a plan, and it wouldn't be the first time that someone has said to me, "Why wait? Just start now.". But this would be the first time that I have taken those words this seriously. The girl with my unborn daughter's name (lol) was just too logical about all the reasons why I shouldn't wait that I was out of rebuttals. I can no longer rationalize and justify Not Acting to myself today.

What comes now? A plan. A few meetings. A clearer vision. A realistic time line...I need to figure out how on earth I will budget time in the next few months to even think about the new idea.
And in the end, we'll see what happens. But for the first time I have to think about the BIG picture. I have to think "How will this materialize in the next 5 years?" ...yikes!

Stay tuned for a sneak preview of next week's "Days of Our Lives - Naila Edition". Haha could not resist, I was having a moment.

Good morning!

Gratitude

When I was in high school my mom started a Gratitude Journal - she heard about it from one of those new-agey spirituality books she reads. Since then, she has from time to time mentioned that I should do the same. I never liked the idea because it made me feel self centered, to harp over all that I have... but at the same time it helps me to really appreciate what I have and acknowledge that appreciation. And knowing just how fortunate I am punctuates the fact that I have a duty to share what I have, an obligation to use what I have for someone's betterment... perhaps part of that feeling 'grateful' is the idea of wanting to share it, and to share it you need to help people achieve whatever it is your grateful for - be it health, happiness, peace... at 2am that makes sense in my head... 

It's the 'new moon' [chandraat] tonight, so perhaps it's the lunar change, or maybe my hormones are out of whack again... But today, after spending a day alone to ponder the last few weeks, the last few months, and all the ups and downs I've experienced professionally, spiritually, emotionally I feel like projecting my gratitude out there into the world.

I am so grateful for my family. I have interesting relationships with my parents, but I think we are finally on the same page.
I am happy to report that my brother and I are closer than we've ever been.

I am grateful for the wonderful friends I have - they are my constant support and they aren't afraid to call me out on my bs, Thank You. I am grateful to the handful of people who get my lame jokes and laugh even when they don't - you're a "special" bunch.

I am grateful for the internet and how despite the bad rap it gets sometimes, it helps me stay close to the people I care about...but are sometimes too far away for a hug. So they get virtual ones :)

I am grateful for my health and sanity. As long as I have these, I can keep on trekking.

I am grateful for William - a man I met for 10 minutes in a store. Thank you for telling me the story about your daughter. Those ten minutes taught me more about the world than any book I've read or lecture I've attended.

I am grateful that I live in a place where heart wrenching stories are stories, where disasters and war zones are pictures and words and not reality.

I am grateful that I have the power to do something, anything, to help. And at every corner there is not only an opportunity to do good, but to see good.

I am grateful for ice cream, it makes my world, go 'round.

I am grateful for that moment of bliss when I'm walking in the pouring rain and my mind is a complete blank except for the humming of the rain coming down. And I have the goofiest smile on my face because I am just so happy and I don't care that people are watching the crazy wet girl walk home.

I am grateful for chance meetings, fb messages, finding cute messages written on ticket stubs, Mr.Braffenstein the giraffe, my nail polish collection (aka the greatest de-stressor of life!).

And tonight I am grateful for the purple slippers that Aruzo got for me - now that's a 'warm fuzzy' from camp that I'll be holding on to!

Goodnight world.

The Thong Song

I have always had this obsession with underwear - you can never have enough! Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but I have a theory about this obsession.. that's a story for another day though. Actually, as a birthday gift to myself, I took myself on a little bit of an underwear shopping spree :) Nikki, you might be the only one who truly understands :)

Recently I was talking to someone about a few underwear quandaries I have. First, what is with these women who decide to wear see-though white pants (which are nice and all) but then couple it with navy blue underwear!?! I don't need to see that! I thought the point was so that people wouldn't be able to see your underwear. That's where the thong comes in, right? So that's my next quandary - the thong.

Who invented this skimpy piece of material that revolutionized our society. In the "olden days" it was a-ok to have a panty line. Today, it is almost impossible to find a girl my age with a panty line - our mothers? Well that's a different story! Haha . But I'm being serious. When did it happen? At some point a panty line was probably the talk of the group of boys on the corner, right? Ooh-ing and aaah-ing when a cute girl walked by and they could see her underwear through her tight jeans...? I could be mistaken, I'm not a 30year old man that I can really even comment on their pass-times 'back in the day'. Today... g-string straps above your low riders is all the rage. I'm not complaining, I happen to like this particular type of undergarment. I'm just wondering when and how it all happened??? Once in the kitchen where I work, the older women (mom's age) were chatting about the horror they would have faced as teens if their mothers knew they wore thong underwear. One of the women said she believe her daughter deserved to "feel sexy, too" so she had no problem indulging her skimpy lingerie needs.

I once heard a girl call the thong the epitome of women's oppression. I always thought that was an interesting statement...I guess it depends on why you wear it and whether or not you're one of those girls who feels the need to announce it as you walk the streets..then the issue of motive comes up...self-esteem...attention-seeking...a whole slew of stuff. But oppression? Hmmm... thoughts anyone?

From my recent experiences with teen girls, and my own too I suppose, I think there is some pressure associated with the thong. It's a sort of coming of age act when you buy/wear your first thong. Girls talk about it in the changing room. I've even heard girls taunting their not-thong-savvy friends about it. Actually, a friend of mine (a long time ago) told me to - and I quote: "grow up already" when she heard I was not yet thong-savvy. Needless to say, I took heed of her words. So now with the invention of the thong, seamless boxers and low riders...who could ever go back to the sailormoon and flower-printed granny panties of our childhood?

That's about all I've got for today :)

Happy Birthday

In less than 24 hours I will have gotten my toes wet in the Second Decade Sea. The big 2-1 is upon me. On January 1st, I sat at the table with my parents and I said, “this is going to be a big year – I can feel it.” At the time, I had no idea what I was talking about.
 
This year has been so monumental, in so many ways, I cannot even begin to describe it. So much has happened. There were loads of firsts, some seconds, a slew of new experiences, wonderful new people… 
 
A group of boys laughed at me because I didn’t know what offside meant.
I watch Fifa matches religiously.
I mentored a student, and kind of enjoyed stats (ahhh!).
I got a new haircut, and bought a cute purple dress.
I learned how to be diplomatic, and how to change a tire.
I messed up a batch of cheesecake brownies, and learned who my true friends were.
I cried over a boy, and over a group of girls.
I pushed my limits – just to find out that they were imaginary lines.
I learned how to trust people, and in the process how to trust myself.
And the year isn’t even over yet!
 
I cannot thank all the special people who helped me keep my head above water here – but not to worry, I will (in person). 
 
This is the decade where it all happens – and I’m crazy-monkeys-excited!!!
As long as I can bring along all the fun stuff from Decade No. 1, like pop rocks, naptime, merri-go-rounds, and the power rangers – I only have one thing to say to Decade No. 2: Bring it!

Lemonade with a kick

Today was one of those days that just creeps out of nowhere and kicks you in the teeth.
I woke up this morning confident – confident about who I am, where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going and all the in-betweens. One phone call later, I’m crouched in a corner of the bathroom at work sobbing. In retrospect, I still cannot, with certainty tell you if they were tears of joy, sorrow or fear. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and I didn’t know what to do.

I am pretty confident in my abilities – but today that was questioned. Can I do this? Am I ready? So what did I do? I looked to the people closest to me, the people I truly care about, the ones who know me. And while they are telling me that I can take anything on, that they believe in me, that they trust and love me “listen to your heart, you will make the right decision” – I had never been so unsure in my entire life. I didn’t want to regret my decision and then a day, a week, a month from now resent [no one but] myself for making the wrong decision. And I only had a few hours to do this, by the way.

I won’t be explicit and talk about the situation itself, but today was a turning point. I had to really deliberate how much I trust myself. I was selfish. I was subjective. I am still terrified. My one biggest fear is what this could do to me.  As a result of the past few months, I am finally, after so many years of being the quiet one, the mouse-y one, the awkward one, comfortable with who I am. It is ever changing, I know that, but I’m afraid that this might lead to a change that I’m not okay with. I need to keep myself in check. I don’t want to lose myself in obligation, in respect for the people around me, in responsibility I want to be okay with the changes this brings in me, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say “You are Naila” everyday of my life. I don’t want to be fake, I don’t want to waste my time, or yours. I don’t want to compromise so much that I lose sight of myself. I’ve never really thought about how much of “you” gets the backseat when you try to think about “them”. I realized that there is a fine line that cannot be crossed. There is an investment of time, energy and heart that goes into doing for others, but it shouldn’t go so far that you become a shadow of your actions. If you are a shadow, then who is warming the coals behind this engine that started the whole thing in the first place? Gosh I just noticed how that that didn’t even make enough sense in my head, let alone typed on my screen.

Today the earth underneath me cracked a little bit and now I have the option of jumping over to the other side, staying put or building a bridge. I built it…and I have no idea where it goes. This “unknown” factor is driving me nuts. And I’m scared as hell. But this’ll be a new experience that I didn’t expect or ever even consider, but what the hell – sometimes life gives you lemons and sometimes life throws the lemons at the back of your head.

"Life gave me lemonade and I can't imagine why

Born on a sunny day, beneath a tangerine sky

I live life without pretending

I'm a sucker for happy endings

Thanks for the lemonade!"

So tonight I have a request that I want to let out into the world: Let me stay true to myself. Let me always be able to look at myself in the mirror and have "Naila" looking back at me. Let me grow, fight, question, teach, learn, help, watch, listen, love.