Loneliness

“Missing someone is your heart's way of reminding you that you love them” -Unknown

This is going to be one of my more personal and introspective pieces of writing. It might be a little scattered, so is the thought process behind it. Muddled and scattered.

I’m going to make new use of an old adage like an onion…has many layers. Loneliness is like an onion: It’s slimy – pungent – it’ll make you teary-eyed – it may add a great deal of flavor to a dish, but sometimes, on its own, it tends to have a harsh taste – it leaves you with a bad smell – it comes in different hues and colours; some darker than others, some prettier, some morose-looking…

I’ve had my share of experience with loneliness and with the different kinds. There are certain people in my life (or not… well, just not always there) that I miss constantly – there’s a constant yearning to be close to them. That’s by far the hardest kind of loneliness to combat. It is a dull hum, ever-present in the background, but when it gets turned up a notch it is a seething burn, a high pitched noise that throws you off balance and won’t let you regain control.

Then there’s that odd, illogical loneliness I’ve experienced while surrounded by people. It camouflages itself as a feeling of being misunderstood, but don’t let it fool you – it is loneliness. There is a certain connection one develops from being with someone who understands you, I’ve found that hard to achieve in recent months, no matter how much I decide to ‘broaden my horizons’ and meet new and interesting people. Ever so often I have one of those out-of-body moments where I look around and ponder how on earth I got to the point where I consciously decided to surround myself with my current group…? Perhaps it has something to do with the first kind of loneliness? I’ve noticed that I tend to get somewhat self-destructive when I hear that high pitched noise in my head. Maybe surrounding myself with certain people is all a part of that self-destructive (masochistic) behavior?

And it’s not that I don’t understand it – I do. And that’s why when it gets to the point where I am questioning it all, I go through a cleansing. I eliminate all the toxic people from my life, I rethink my relationships with people and I begin a lifestyle overhaul. Funny thing is, it’s a vicious cycle. Ask me how often I do this? Often. Why? Because I simply get stuck again. Though, I’ve come to terms with the frequency. No one can accuse me of not being self-aware or self-critical. No sirey Bob! At least I’ve got that much going for me. But I think it must have something to do with my nature; that constant need for people to like me, my warped goody goody rose-coloured perspective of the world (there’s good in everyone I tell you!), top it all off with a penchant to be emotionally masochistic (we all are, just to different degrees) and you’ve got quite a potpourri of…what’s that technical term again? Oh, right… hot mess.

There’s something interesting and bittersweet about loneliness. I find that sometimes, not often, but sometimes, it stirs me and creates this powerful force inside. I feel like despite the loneliness and negative emotions of it, I am who I am, and I seem to be doing alright for myself. And I run with that idea and okay, so it propels me into an ego-driven rant about how I can do it on my own and I don’t need anyone even though I really do… But the end result is a boost and a lift out of the lonely-induced funk. So how about we focus on the end and not the means to the end, huh? It’s times like these that I find that inner strength and I usually start a new project right around this time, because yes, work is my escape from myself. At least I’ve come to realize and appreciate it, is all I can say. There has to be some link between my inner turmoil and my passion for what I do – I just haven’t figured it all out yet. But I know there’s something exciting and sneaky going on there…