All Dianas are nice

I had a nervous breakdown once. Or twice... or more for those closest to me, who know this happens ever so often. But the time in question was one night, not too long into my new position as a junior officer. There was this little girl named Sahar – the cutest thing on the face of this planet. Just adorable. She would grab hold of both my hands, face me and just jump, trying to see how high she could get if she pushed off of me. I was very new to this whole kid-thing and I was terrified. A friend of mine was talking to Sahar the weekend before and she was asking her about her day at school. She asked her about her teacher, let’s call the teacher Diana. You know what my friend told this adorable little thing? Well she asked her a question, she asked her, “Did you know that everyone named Diana is really nice?”. Sahar didn’t buy into it. But then my friend asks, is your teacher nice? Sahar answers “yes”. My friend continues, “well I know someone named Diana, too and she is also very nice” Sahar is beaming at this point. So ALL Dianas are really nice.

Now why can’t I do that I thought? Why is it that 10 seconds into a conversation with someone who isn’t about the age of 18 I lose my words, I get nervous and my voice gets high pitched? I cant think of a single thing to say and I feel absolutely ridiculous. I wish I could be like my friend. But then, while standing in line a week later, this little girl is holding my hands and trying to jump up so she can show me that she’s taller than me and let me tell you, I fell in love. I saw the same beaming face – and I could not have been happier. I was so happy I wanted to cry. This was the beginning of a very good relationship.

But then later that night Sahar looked upset, so I took her hand and led her away from the crowd and asked her what was wrong. She was hesitant, but she began speaking in a very hushed tone. She was upset about something and I tried to comfort her as best I could. But then I did what led to the breakdown (on my end), I got down on my knees to speak to her. My heart started to beat super fast, I got nervous, I was upset at myself. What was I doing? Inferiority complex anyone? How dare i?! did I just bow down? What was I doing, trying to make her feel smaller by making it more evident that she was in fact smaller than me? I got home that night and told my mom the whole story, through tears. I hated myself, I wanted to quit. This poor little girl trusted me and I treated her like an inferior being … she must have felt it. Children are very perceptive. I probably made it even worse.

My mom calmed me down, and then asked me to think about the rest of the conversation. Did sahar get up happier? Was she calmer after we chatted about what was bothering her. I could answer yes to both those questions. Well maybe kneeling wasn’t such a horrible thing to do. Maybe I wasn’t exerting power or demonstrating my higher position, maybe I was showing her that I cared and that I understood. I was on the same plane as her, I was not ‘coming down’, I was simply trying to understand and to do that I needed to be closer to her.

I am still head-over-heels in love with Sahar. Every time she sees me a huge smile spreads across her face, the same goes for me. When I see her I am filled with such happiness, I feel amazing, and I feel so hopeful and warm and proud that I almost cry – every time. I also feel scared, I am afraid of what is out there and how they will react to it, and what will come next. I wonder what I’m doing for them, if those brief moments I spend with them really matter at all in the grand scheme of things. I hope they do. Actually I know they do. Maybe it’s selfish, or maybe I can’t gauge the effect it has on them because they have suh a long way to go and they cant necessarily come up to me and tell me. But they have had an enormous impact on me. I feel so privileged to have met all these wonderful children, I feel like if nothing, they have made me a better person. They have taught me compassion, they have taught me truth. I have learned to let myself go, to laugh without worry, to smile until it hurts, they have taught me the meaning of humanity. Humanity is in the feeling you get when you hear someon’s story. It is the hurt you feel when you hear about someone else who is hurting, it is the pride you feel when you hear about another’s success, it is in the tears you cry for another’s tears.

These are the most caring people I have ever met. They are the ones who are Always there to ask how you are, how your day went wipe a tear off your cheek, remember that you hate apples, but love apple crisp. I am blessed and I am wholeheartedly grateful. They taught me what it truly means to love, because they love you no matter what. They know what it means to open up your heart to someone no questions asked. And I love them for it.