The Pigeon Mafia

The pigeon. What is the greatest accomplishment of these sidewalk wandering creatures? They’ve got a legume named after them, the pigeon pea. But I don’t agree, I think the pigeon is the underdog. The pigeon kingdom has stealthily taken its share (or more) of power in today’s society. Then I’m walking along the sidewalk and I see a pigeon, there’s a very distinct feeling that runs through me, it’s unlike another. Let me explain... when you see a sparrow you tred slowly because they scare easily and who wants to be the cause of a fleeting anxiety-ridden sparrow? When I see a red-breasted robin I go “Aww” and lose myself in memories of my childhood. When I see a blue jay, I think of Toronto and my soft allegiance to the name and its affiliated sports teams I know nothing about. Then comes the bushy-tailed squirrel, and I think of Fa and Jass. Fa, because he wants one as a pet, and Jass, because he can outrun and catch one for him. Haha. But then comes the pigeon, strutting its stuff – Wow, I think he just gave props to the squirrel! Haha. You see the pigeon commands respect, he is like the mafia boss, the Godfather of the urban animal kingdom. When I see a pigeon approaching me on the sidewalk, I lower my gaze and I move to the side. But in all seriousness, I have noticed myself actually waiting for a pigeon to cross before me. And very patiently at that, which is saying a lot for me! It’s actually a very humbling experience for me. Who’s to say that we are better than pigeons? Why should they not be accorded the same level of respect as anyone else walking the sidewalk alongside us?

I think the reason they command such respect is because they are no longer afraid of humans. We live together, we walk the same streets; they have a leg up on the other animals around us. They are smaller than us, yet we offer them a level of respect bigger than their bodies. There is an aura of fear surrounding our relationship with pigeons, we all shield ourselves, we cringe, say a silent prayer, when they’re around. Sounds like the mafia to me!

Ever had that dream where you are surrounded by a flock of pigeons? And no, not in the cool way when you’re in a park in London and when you put birdfeed into your palm they walk towards you. Nor am I referring to the awesome, yet mildly creepy ‘bird lady from Home Alone’, kind of flocking. I mean evil, peck out your eyes kind of flocking. The kind that’ll instil the fear of God in a person. Well I have. So I guess that partly explains my relationship with these creatures.

So my advice to you all:

Please move to the side when a pigeon wants to cross on the same sidewalk as you. And please avert your eyes! Your eyes are the window to your soul – you wouldn’t want a Freaky Friday episode with a pigeon now would you? All because you wanted to demonstrate your power or equal right to the sidewalk? Pfft! You’re on their turf, buddy! Notice how they’ve marked their territory...? ALL over the city! ..... dogs pee... pigeons, well... let’s just say that’s not bubble gum stuck to the ground at that corner over there. 

Loneliness

“Missing someone is your heart's way of reminding you that you love them” -Unknown

This is going to be one of my more personal and introspective pieces of writing. It might be a little scattered, so is the thought process behind it. Muddled and scattered.

I’m going to make new use of an old adage like an onion…has many layers. Loneliness is like an onion: It’s slimy – pungent – it’ll make you teary-eyed – it may add a great deal of flavor to a dish, but sometimes, on its own, it tends to have a harsh taste – it leaves you with a bad smell – it comes in different hues and colours; some darker than others, some prettier, some morose-looking…

I’ve had my share of experience with loneliness and with the different kinds. There are certain people in my life (or not… well, just not always there) that I miss constantly – there’s a constant yearning to be close to them. That’s by far the hardest kind of loneliness to combat. It is a dull hum, ever-present in the background, but when it gets turned up a notch it is a seething burn, a high pitched noise that throws you off balance and won’t let you regain control.

Then there’s that odd, illogical loneliness I’ve experienced while surrounded by people. It camouflages itself as a feeling of being misunderstood, but don’t let it fool you – it is loneliness. There is a certain connection one develops from being with someone who understands you, I’ve found that hard to achieve in recent months, no matter how much I decide to ‘broaden my horizons’ and meet new and interesting people. Ever so often I have one of those out-of-body moments where I look around and ponder how on earth I got to the point where I consciously decided to surround myself with my current group…? Perhaps it has something to do with the first kind of loneliness? I’ve noticed that I tend to get somewhat self-destructive when I hear that high pitched noise in my head. Maybe surrounding myself with certain people is all a part of that self-destructive (masochistic) behavior?

And it’s not that I don’t understand it – I do. And that’s why when it gets to the point where I am questioning it all, I go through a cleansing. I eliminate all the toxic people from my life, I rethink my relationships with people and I begin a lifestyle overhaul. Funny thing is, it’s a vicious cycle. Ask me how often I do this? Often. Why? Because I simply get stuck again. Though, I’ve come to terms with the frequency. No one can accuse me of not being self-aware or self-critical. No sirey Bob! At least I’ve got that much going for me. But I think it must have something to do with my nature; that constant need for people to like me, my warped goody goody rose-coloured perspective of the world (there’s good in everyone I tell you!), top it all off with a penchant to be emotionally masochistic (we all are, just to different degrees) and you’ve got quite a potpourri of…what’s that technical term again? Oh, right… hot mess.

There’s something interesting and bittersweet about loneliness. I find that sometimes, not often, but sometimes, it stirs me and creates this powerful force inside. I feel like despite the loneliness and negative emotions of it, I am who I am, and I seem to be doing alright for myself. And I run with that idea and okay, so it propels me into an ego-driven rant about how I can do it on my own and I don’t need anyone even though I really do… But the end result is a boost and a lift out of the lonely-induced funk. So how about we focus on the end and not the means to the end, huh? It’s times like these that I find that inner strength and I usually start a new project right around this time, because yes, work is my escape from myself. At least I’ve come to realize and appreciate it, is all I can say. There has to be some link between my inner turmoil and my passion for what I do – I just haven’t figured it all out yet. But I know there’s something exciting and sneaky going on there…

Is it 2012 yet?

This year I wanted to make a more legitimate list. For some reason I think “no poutine” just won’t cut it as a resolution this year. Though, I am quite proud of myself, I can count the number of times I’ve had poutine in the past year on one hand :)

This year I will answer “yes” when asked if I am fluent in French, with absolutely no hesitation.

This year I want to spend more time with my family. I really do take my parents for granted, and so this year I want to make more time for them. It doesn’t even have to be anything special, just trying to watch tv together or something. But I’m really going to make a concerted effort.

The next resolution is a very personal project. I have a tendency to not forget anything, especially very emotionally charged moments in my life. This year I want to do something about all the emotional baggage I carry around with me. It’s not a bad thing per se, it makes me who I am, but some of it has become a hindrance and in the past few months I’ve become an avoider of any/all the major issues. So this year I will fix it – whether it means trying out EFT by myself, or maybe even going to see a therapist (I’ve always wanted to) or maybe I just need to open up to the people around me in a ‘real’ way as opposed to the superficial opening up I find myself doing more and more often these days.

Within this year also falls a great anniversary... it'll be the end of my "exploration" year - what started out as a conversation with an old prof, and then an intership at SAWCC (and maybe even a job come January 6th)... the year is up in 2011 and that means I've got some decisions to make, some proposals to write, some serious changes...

This year I want a plan. It’s been a while since I’ve had one, and part of the reason why is because I’ve become addicted to the thrill and adrenaline rush of living each day as it comes. But now I’m feeling more and more like I need a solid direction and path, the go with the flow attitude of the past few months has led me astray and I’ve made too many careless mistakes. So by the end of January I want a plan outlining some of my goals and pathways for the year, if not longer. By the end of Jan, I should have something on paper. 

I want to be bolder. I haven’t quite figured out what bolder means because my baseline has changed drastically, so this resolution is a work in progress. Definition pending.

I want to learn how to focus. Anyone who knows me knows that I have peak hours of productivity, late evening and early in the morning. But lately, my focus has been so off that I find myself accomplishing less and less. I get sidetracked, and this is evident in the projects I’ve taken on – the number, the themes, the locations lol – all the travelling has taken its toll on me these past 4 months. This goal relies on the abovementioned goals, figuring things out and feeling more relaxed in my own skin will surely help me focus better, in all areas of my life.

I’m going to burrow a little deeper into my hole and shrink my friend circle. Chalk it up to another bout of personal/life cleansing, but I want to shuffle things around and focus more on the people who are really important to me. I can’t waste more precious time on small talk with people I don’t care for. I can’t stand another moment of the toxicity certain people bring me. I want to take a large chunk of time to work on myself, to better myself, because despite all the realisations I’ve come to, despite the enormous personal growth of the past year I have not taken the time to delve in, sift through all the life lessons and really figure them out. And it’s not until I’ve done that, that I’ll be able to put any of it to good use. Right now it’s just a pile sitting in the back of my mind (spirit? space between my subconscious and conscious mind? wherever it is...), and my newly developed habit of avoiding anything personally/emotionally meaningful has a lot to do with the stagnant nature of said ‘pile’. Plus I feel like when I really truly embrace solitude and some of the negative emotions of it I grow and gain a better understanding of myself. And I write more. I’ve been typing nonstop this past 48 hours and I’m loving it.

My resolutions are a little ambiguous and by the end of 2011 the conclusions will be untestable for reasons Freud and the study of psychoanalysis could shed some light on, but it is what it is. Wish me luck with this chapter in a book I’m calling Self-Realisation for Dummies.

It's Tanuary!

“Tanuary, which invites us to raise awareness for skin cancer by going out to the tanning salon and getting yourself all Snookiefied for the winter.”

– Moustache Rides, Micheal Citrone. “The Mirror”

Movember was torturous for me for two reasons. Firstly, I’m not the biggest fan of facial hair on men, or women for that matter (yes, I’m being cheeky – I was also the one making jokes about growing out my moustache in support haha) and secondly, I knew there were more than a few people doing it for the wrong reasons or no reason at all. It’s all part of this new-found fake activism I’ve noticed. How many of these men went out and got tested, how many spoke to their doctors, brothers, fathers about the issue. How many raised money for the cause? I know a few guys who did and I respect them for taking the ‘stache’ to new heights. But the sad thing is they were a minority. Many men were growing out the handlebars just because everyone else was doing it – does sitting on the same bandwagon as the “active” activists make you an activist, by association? I think not. Get off your ass and do something. 

It’s not enough to say you’ve educated yourself about an issue – what are you doing with that piece of knowledge? Are you sharing it? Are you doing anything to change the current situation? I am a whole-hearted believer in baby steps and grassroots initiatives, so yes, one person can change the world. It will not be a grandiose gesture that will do it, but it is a ripple effect. And it’s common sense! Why do parents teach their kids right from wrong? So they will grow up knowing it, living it, teaching it, propagating “good” ideals to their children ---see? The Ripple Effect. Why is Movember important? It raises awareness of an illness that is growing and affecting more and more people. Educating yourself helps you better educate the people around you. This in turn ensures that more people get tested, leading to early diagnosis and better prognosis---see? The Ripple Effect. Yes, grow the moustache! But donate a toonie. Talk to your dad. Go get tested. Awareness is the backbone of prevention – this applies to any illness. Think HIV/AIDS – get educated, be safe and wrap it up, get tested. You hear these phrases all the time, yet at least 1 person in Quebec gets HIV EVERYDAY!

But back to the issue at hand. There was this heart-string pulling status craze on Facebook a few weeks ago. It was about Special Needs kids – basically, copy paste the short blurb into your status box if you care. It was part of “Special Education Week” to raise awareness of issues associated with children with special needs. I feel very strongly about said issue, so I posted it. Almost immediately a friend of mine posted a link in response. The link led to an article about a mother who, after being so touched by the awareness initiative tried to look further into this Awareness Week. Turns out, the week doesn’t exist. So I started talking to people about it, I deleted the status, and I did some pondering... what does this status craze really accomplish? A few people feel all warm and fuzzy thinking about this children, and then to top it all off they post the status update and take that good feeling home with them. But how many of them read up on learning disabilities trying to better understand the issue? How many of them took action and decided to help out in some way? How many of them got off their asses and did something?!! Forget this example – how many people hear about something even remotely like this and decide to TAKE ACTION? It’s depressing as hell.

This is a superficial activism – the only good that comes out of it, is that people feel good about themselves for donating mere seconds of their time where they think “oh, that’s unfortunate for [insert target group here]”, maaaaybe empathise a little, feel good because they are caring people, and then move on with their lives. I won’t say unchanged, because empathy is hard to develop and it’s something worth working on, so if status updates, clicking an online petition for killer whales, wearing multi-coloured ribbons and plastic flowers, yelling an “Amen” to a disgruntled person on a soapbox helps do that, then so be it. What I’m saying is that it’s not nearly enough. Awareness should lead to action; it should be stirring people to do something. And yes, I suppose there are people who are stirred into action, because then there would be no change, and I can’t lie – there is change. But then you know what? I want to revoke that good feeling! Why should you get to feel good about doing nothing?! Hmph.

Ahh! Kelly Clarkson!

Society’s obsession with hairlessness has always been perplexing for me. How did we get here? In a time where we are more and more aware of the intricacies of our bodies, our health, we negate the role bodily hair plays and choose to remove it for vanity’s sake. And it’s a mission, let me tell you! So many different methods and products; bodily hair is just that – bodily – it has a tendency to be everywhere. The process becomes incredibly time-consuming; the brain space and energy invested feels like a waste of life in the grand scheme of things. (The market for hair removal methods/products must be quite lucrative, in case you’re interested)

The purpose of this post? Hell if I know. But it was spurred by an article I read a few days ago. It was about an aesthetician who specializes in hair removal (waxing) for men. She loves waxing, “it’s like an art” (is that sadism if she enjoys inflicting pain? But then again, if someone is approaching her for the end result - that they will appreciate, maybe the process itself is of no concern. Oh but she doesn’t gain sexual pleasure from inflicting pain so I guess you can’t call it sadism). Read “Balls Go Bald” here
Ok no more tangents! Ugh.

Apparently there are many men out there who prefer to be “smooth as a baby...” I know a few guys who choose to shave their pits, among other things. Then there’s the waxed chest – Kudos to men who wax. There is a certain level of ‘awe’ I associate with a man who can share and appreciate that feeling of hopelessness and sheer defeat (or loss of the willingness to live, as one friend put it) while a woman is mercilessly ripping the hair out of your body.

But how did we get here – why the change? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining – it’s your body; to each his own. But I’m just saying… there’s been a change since the Robin Williams-like time where guys everywhere equated their manhood to the abundance, or lack thereof, of hair that grew on their chests.

Another thing that intrigues me is society’s obsession with the pre-pubescent body. On the one hand, I understand the attraction to the youthful body – baby face, smooth, supple skin etc – evolutionary theories explain this well. Foucault, I believe would have his own two cents to donate to the discussion.

Is it perpetual youth we crave? Is it purely evolutionary programming that we’re following?

What does this say about people who find themselves attracted to children? … And now tell me how that translates when a woman attempts to achieve the pre-pubescent look because the man she is with finds it attractive?  Watch Eve Ensler perform “Hair” from the Vagina Monologues here

This will launch me into a whole other conversation about sexuality, the baby-fication of grown women, and minors. Sexy pictures of adults in pigtails with lollipops; and pictures of children in some of the same attire, but in sexualized positions. And no, I’m not talking about pornography; in fact, I’m talking about popular advertising. So for fear of a new tangent developing, I’ll stop here.

Thoughts?

My Happy List

For Saaraa, this post took an odd turn while I was writing yesterday (that one’ll go up later) – but for the time being, here’s the happy list :)
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I've been waking up happy the past few days. It’s a beautiful thing to start off the day while you’re harbouring this deep rooted blissful feeling. It might have something to do with the people I’ve been surrounding myself with lately. Maybe it has something to do with coming to terms with the direction I’m going in…or coming to terms with the unknown, rather. Maybe it’s the momentary warmth – something to do with the fact that while I’m lingering in bed, that’s about the only time I’ll be warm all day, considering winter (aka the cranky-as-hell-don’t-mess-with-a-cold-chick) months are upon us. 

 But either way, I’m not complaining. Rather, I feel like I’ve been sharing my happy feeling with people around me. If you can, please take a moment to savour something, anything. 20 minutes of your favourite old-school sitcom, a piece of pink sea salt dark chocolate, a bubble bath, a few moments to daydream about that guy you sat across from in cyber (or better yet, hit him up on http://likealittle.com/mcgill HAhaHa ridiculously entertaining). The sanity, clarity of mind and new-found ability to focus you’ll get from a few moments of relaxation will be worth it. We all need to recharge once in a while.


My Happy List:

-When you read a line or passage in a book that is just so good, you need to lie back and feel it reverberate through your body. 
-Looking through old pictures or finding old ticket stubs – I love those odd moments where you find something and you get to get lost in a pretty memory.
-The smell of jasmine
-Sharing London Fogs
-Watching a kid learn something new; that look of “Wow, did I really just do that on my own?” is priceless.
-That nice, kind of embarrassed feeling I get when I realize that I just let you know how I really feel :)
-Strangers who smile back
-Baking with friends
-My quirky happy dance, that only Fatima appreciates
-Signing on to my computer and a cute “Hi, I miss you” message pops up
-Mittens on a string [poking through jacket sleeves]
-Gingerale and dark chocolate
-Spending the day at a café, sipping on tea, marveling at new cookie recipes, people watching, re-reading a classic. Bliss.

Detox

They call it a detox, I call it... well I don’t know what I’d call it. But a few months ago I decided I wanted to do a cleansing of sorts – start afresh with everyone. Let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget – all of that. But on a deeper level, get rid of any judgements I had about people, no matter how I got them in the first place and just give everyone that 100% that I set out to when I first meet people. And let me tell you, the concept is all fine and dandy on paper – but it’s a bitch and a half to execute.

No matter how prepared I thought I was I was still put into situations where I became aware that past [mis]conceptions or judgements were resurfacing and I had to constantly re-evaluate and start over. I am judgemental, don’t get me wrong. And I don’t apologize for it. Sometimes I feel like the word judgemental has a bad rap. But you see, I am judgemental with reason (I think!). Which is exactly why I needed to do this – start afresh.

A few months in, when I’ve started talking to people I had in the past not taken the time to... and it was mutual, I feel like with a lot of people if you feel like you won’t have anything in common you just don’t bother, right? But I’ve met some great people and I’ve learned so much. And for me that has been the most rewarding part of this endeavour. I’ve always liked the idea of sitting down with someone and just immersing myself in their story. And I feel like I’ve been able to do so much more of that. I’ve gotten to learn so much more about people. It has been amazing. It’s probably one of the more cheesy things I’ve ever said but – everyone has a story, everyone has unique experiences, everyone has something to teach – I want to forever be at the receiving end of that. And the giving end sometimes too! :p

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Apparently sometimes you fail. I mean FAIL. We’re human, shit happens. I fell off the wagon. Boo! I couldn’t help myself. Everyone has their moment, that few seconds where the horrid from inside peeks out and then just unleashes itself onto unsuspecting bystanders. You know what I’m talking about. It happened a few nights ago – I didn’t mean for it to happen. But that girl just snuck up on me, caught me off guard and it just started spewing. All those pent up negative emotions (words, insults, what have you) squeaked past my new-found clean slate perspective on life. Damn.

I quickly realised how much of a process it is - needing constant attention. It is one thing to decide to change, and it's another thing to be conscious of ‘how’ you want to react and feel. But it’s a whole other ballgame when your subconscious spews hot lava you didn’t know was still brewing under the surface.

“Sometimes we’re just Being Human, but we’re always Human Beings.” - JD Fortune."