Falling In Love

I have always tried to be the kind of person who took full responsibility for her actions. I follow the ideology that 10 years from now I don't want to be blaming anyone for any missed opportunities, botched jobs, falters, errors etc. I want to be held accountable. And I think I've done a decent job of that, thus far. I take responsibility for my actions and how they sometimes affect those around me. But there are moments of weakness when I wish I had all the perks of adulthood, but the benefits of someone else pulling all the right strings, making the perfect decisions, rendering immaculate results.

Sometimes I wish someone would fix me. Or at the very least tell me how to do it so I could get over the hump and just be good already. But apparently this is the 'real world' and you have to work hard at bettering yourself. Shit gets hard to do and sometimes if you've been down for so long, the trek back up seems far, maybe even pointless. But oh gosh! are there advantages to getting on top of things and putting your all into it! Even if you don't see immediate results, at least you can go to bed knowing that you juiced yourself to the last drop in pursuit of something important [to you].

In recent weeks I've seen myself succeed and I've seen myself falter - in some of the smallest and some of the most significant of situations! And as much as I sit back and hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me in that Rrrrroll-up-the-rim-to-win-voice, "Try again", I find strength and empowerment in the voice in the back of my head that says "Keep on trekking, you're getting there". So, as much as I want to be spoon-fed easy answers and solutions to life's trivia; I relish the idea that I can and will work hard to constantly better myself. Because I've seen the fruits of my efforts and though I'm sure the journey will be a constant, I'm slowly falling in love with the process. These are the wise words of a wise man who once told me that the secret is to simply "fall in love" with all of it.

PS. Has it really been 2 months since my last post?! Ick. 

“But I feel good and happy so it’s okay.”

Have you ever been sitting on the bus and as you become conscious of your surroundings you realise that you have the goofiest of smiles on your face? I happen to love that moment. There’s no embarrassment there, it fuels the fires and all of a sudden I want to giggle. I giggle a lot.

It’s funny how the mind works sometimes. I often break out the psychoanalysis and try to understand the silver lining that is my muddled psyche. I like to think that though I am an incredibly emotional person and react strongly to various elements of my life, I am also a very rational person when I need to be. *cue laughter* Recent experiences have taught me that I can, in fact, shut off parts of myself and focus on the logical and rational – I know. You’re reading this and uttering my famous “pfft”. But it’s true! It feels like I’ve grown and matured in my thinking; I’m better able to read myself and gauge what I need and don’t need. I’m quite proud of myself.

But then I get happy. It takes over. I get crushed under the weight of my emotions on a constant basis, so it’s perfectly normal for that to happen with the positive as well as the negative emotions. But this makes me think… if I really believe that I’ve gotten to a point when I can brush it all aside and use this magical “rational and logical” part of my brain then how is it that when I’m happy, the happy takes over? But then that makes me think…why do I like the idea of a “rational and logical” part taking the reigns? Then that makes me think… what in the hell is this part of my brain and does it really exist? BUT THEN… why do I value it so much? To the point that as I’m writing this it feels like I’m undervaluing and belittling the oh-so-powerful emotions that drive and motivate every fibre of my being? Am I sorry? Am I apologizing? Urm…

Writing really is cathartic.

Dear supposed rational and logical part of my brain,

You’re super cool. If you really exist then I must tell you: I appreciate you and what you stand for. You’re nice to have around as a crutch once in a while. But listen, I really like those spikey bursts of emotion that wake up my insides every morning…so I’m going to go out and make those guys a set of house keys. You…well…it’s buzzer #506 when you come ‘round.

Eve Ensler said it perfectly, “I am an emotional creature”. 

Ladies Love Cool James, but NCIS... I don’t quite love you.

Dear NCIS and whomever this may concern, 

I recently plopped myself in front of the television to watch an NCIS marathon. Let me tell you, you have some very pretty people on the show! LL Cool J - are you furrreal?! And that little woman running the show with her iron fist, mushy heart and bag of tricks – she’s great, too! So what am I complaining about, you ask? Not only has the dialogue gone from cute partner-ly banter to predictable, but you are slowly rotting the impressionable minds of the you who make up the fabric of society. The show is popular, and of course entertaining but at what cost? I’m not one to write about the plight of the Muslim in the Western world, but here goes it! 

Every episode they are chasing a new breed of terrorist: the shady immigrant, the air pilot, the home-grown disgruntled, and even the well-established business man wearing a beautiful Italian suit. I know you’re thinking, “but they are all so different Naila, where on Earth are you going with this?” Aha! But they have something in common....Arabic last names. So yes, American public, they might be terror suspects, regardless of anything save for their names. Better check with local authorities before engaging them in pleasantries!

Everyone's Doing It!

Everyone’s doing it. Every famous columnist, all the cool blog sites – they’re all writing their end-of-year pieces. Be they Top 10 Lists or run-throughs of their best giggle-worthy jabs at the latest political dimwit. I guess you could say I wanted to jump on the end-of-year-post bandwagon. Thing is, political dimwits do not make me giggle, nor am I all that funny.

2011 was a year sprinkled with some notable personal failures and some incredible professional successes. But above all, I met some beautiful people. And I want to dedicate my year-end Top 10 List to them, an ode to some of the mega super awesome people I’ve bumped into and/or had the pleasure of interacting with this year. This list isn’t simply an ode, but a reminder that the world is a lovely place and with the population growing at such an alarming rate we all need to step up our game and start meeting more people already!

*In no particular order and the symbols don’t have any particular meaning, simply to allow for anonymity and an air of mystery*

!!! - a woman whose life I feel I accidentally walked into, the same way the girl accidentally walks into the guy in a RomCom and they eventually become best friends because they tried dating and it just didn't quite work. She has taught me more than I can express. She helped me discover my truest passions, she taught me how to question myself, how to let go and let it all hang out. She taught me what it means to truly embrace the idea of being an individual.

@@@ - She let me finish my thought, scratch it out in the air with my flailing arms, go over it again, re-articulate, question and let it stew with that awful expression on my face as I wondered if I was right or not. Only then would she spring the hard question and floor me. Thank you.

### - A chance meeting at a party and a very cute friendship ensued. This man, a great artist and student of the world taught me to embrace the incongruent, to speak when not spoken to (and if you can, do it in a foreign language) and how to enjoy sitting on the hard chair instead of the booth in a dinge-y diner.

$$$ – My inspiration, my sister. When shit goes down, she lets it sink it, she rides the wave [like a Blue Crush pro] and then she makes it work. And she grows and learns from it all. I know too many people, (myself included) who falter, skip the learning and simply Rince and Repeat, to overlook how wonderfully graceful she is as she lives.

%%% – this is a young woman who constantly reminds me that there is such strength in the world, that there are good people in every corner and that more often than not – things are real, they’re hard to handle, they can get the better of us, but we can always go on those stealth missions to steal ‘em back!

^^^ – my North Star. For someone as directionally challenged as I am, having him around to gently tug at my shirt and point out that I’m about to hit another large painting in the street (only happened once!) is great.

&&& – The funnyman who inspires me to keep on learning seemingly useless bits of information because, ”Yes, I will tell that ridiculous story about the cats at my next dinner party”.

*** - when I was in elementary school I developed a love for running. But only after I realised just how much fun I had running after boys in the playground and that I ran so much faster if I was running after someone faster and stronger than myself, versus running along a track. This is a man who never ceases to amaze me and is thankfully always a few feet ahead of me pushing me to run just a tad bit faster.

()() – the man with one of the coolest tattoos I have ever seen! His love for his job, his zest for interaction and inter-generational dialogue is what the future is going to be made of.

+++ – a group of people who helped me realise that I do not have to apologize for what I think. Thoughts, concepts, theories – they’re all fluid and if I realise a fault in my most recent brainwave then all I have to do is head back to the drawing board, ponder, reconfigure and scribble all over again.

So my New Year’s wish for you all: that you may have the pleasure of meeting loads more than 10 beautiful people this year and that they each etch a very special place in your life. 

What's Love Got To Do With It?

My dad happens to watch a lot of documentaries and doctor shows, so ever so often the dinner conversation will turn to what Dr. Oz or some ayurvedic guru has been talking about today. This eventually turns into everything is genetically modified, we can’t eat anything, natural only grows on the other side of the equator and we’re all going to die of cancer from eating the very same healthy veggies that are supposed to prolong our lives. 

Great chicken, mom.

It ends on my note where I say we all pick our battles and if everything is going to eventually give us cancer, then how about I focus my time worrying about something else for a bit? What I really want to talk about are diamonds – so what does advice from Dr. Oz have to do with diamonds? I’m simply trying to cover my ass and say I realise there are a slew of issues to think about and there are dozens of consumer products that I buy and companies I buy from that in some way, shape or form contribute to conflict and strife in other countries. But I feel like diamonds are so incredibly unnecessary that eliminating them is actually quite simple. Whereas, taking on sweatshops and clothing and kitchenware, barbies and such ... I’ll admit, I don’t have much of a clue as to how I would start.

For a while now I’ve had an obsession with copper jewellery. My reasons are based on the idea of equality and the relative inexpensive nature of the metal as well as some of the health benefits. The “equality” point is very much related to the reasoning behind the Sikh kara, but that is a separate conversation. So, I like copper - I don’t like diamonds. When I found my copper engagement ring there were questions – there were concerns that the hippie was getting to my head and breaching the blood-brain barrier. But I am quite set on the idea of not having a diamond engagement ring. I think the idea is quite ridiculous and diamonds are delivered dripping with the blood of innocent people who don’t need to die for a section of the world’s population who are convinced they need to demonstrate their “love” (bullshit btw) and monetary fortitude to passersby. Firstly, giving someone an expensive rock to wear on their finger is not an automatic sign, nor is it the only way to convey to someone that you love them and want to be with them for an extended period of time. Oh wait – there – see how I did that? I used words to convey the same message that thousands of people assume a shiny rock will do for them. Ha! (eat my shorts Kay jewellers). And if you feel that the idea of a ring (a solid circle to symbolize eternity, never-ending, everlasting love) is important for the engagement process, and I do, then can you not get a ring that doesn’t have a diamond in it? Like a very pretty copper-blend ring that will match perfectly with a gold wedding band (if that is what you’re in to)...?

Perhaps the first step is getting educated and learning more about the diamond trade and how diamonds make it to the elegant settings on one’s ring finger. Yes, there is a movement to import conflict-free diamonds. My point remains the same – diamonds that contribute to conflict and death in many countries across the globe still exist. The simple fact that many societies still lend so much value and merit to the diamond engagement ring (and the various concepts about love and marriage attached to it) means that the conflict diamond will continue to exist. And fiancées everywhere will still contribute to the plight of people across the globe.

Reject the diamond, because really, what’s love got to do with a shiny stone that people ooh and ahh over?

I dream of the day when people realise how unnecessary the diamond is; I can only hope that this massive collective realization is coming soon. Society as it is is fuelling the market for these blood diamonds. In the same way that environmental organizations demand a value shift and shift in the way we see the earth and our impact on it – we need to start applying the same theory to the diamond industry. Reduce-Reuse-Recycle works at the micro and macro levels. Rejecting the antiquated and misguided ideal of the diamond engagement ring (and other forms of diamond body embellishment) for yourself is all part of the larger ripple effect that will slowly but surely erect change in parts of the world many people know nothing about. I talk about this often; the idea of globalization extends farther than simply discussing our connections via world economies, political alliances and [more efficient] means of communication. We are connected in a human way that I feel many people neglect to acknowledge. Our decisions and choices (positive and negative) affect people in every which corner. That is the true ripple effect. You know that famous quote from Mahatma Gandhi that gets thrown around ALL the time? At every conference, every youth group meeting, every feel-good demonstration, in every sappy article, I’m sure I’ve even seen a few tweets... “Be the change you want to see in the world” Well people, I think it’s time to be the fucking change.

David Robert-style “Peace”.

Society's Martyrs

I’ve been doing some reading and I think I can relate the eastern religions’ concept of bodily transcendence to one who is fighting a larger cause. You lose who you are at a superficial level, you disregard stress and bodily afflictions. You disregard seemingly selfish personal needs – be they sleep, food or personal relationships. Isn’t that the equation for success? You need to think about the bigger picture as opposed to an ego-centric one, right? Do we sell ourselves for a cause? I’ve met people who plan their daily, as well as extended lives based on an overarching humanitarian goal – do we need more of that to collectively bring us down and off of this independence/dog-eat-dog horse many of us are on? Or is this a temporary process; forsake it all to reap the benefits later on in life? The benefits in the case of the pursuit I’m referring to would be different than those of a Hindu ascetic, for example.

Let’s assume it is temporary and all a part of the process – when does it stop, and can you reintegrate at that point? What does reintegrate even mean? Watching mind-numbing episodes of Gossip Girl and indulging in mass consumerism? Or is there a “point of no return”? Can one achieve a true balance or are these people society’s martyrs?

Adoption

Something I've been thinking about this for quite some time, years actually - adoption. Today I want to talk about what that means to me. The idea came from a few life experiences. For a large part of my childhood I was well aware that my aunt had trouble getting pregnant. And like many other bodily ailments, at some point I began worrying that as I came closer to a point in my life where I wanted to get pregnant, I might have trouble. So adoption began surfacing as an idea. With more thought and as I grew older and thought more about children around the world, as well as my own motivation to mother, adoption seemed like a no-brainer. All I wanted was to be able to offer love to a child. Whether said child comes out of my body or someone else's - I don't particularly care. People tell me I'm naive. I've heard that I will feel differently as I grow, I will want to feel a child in my womb. Can you feel your womb? Yea, I didn't think so. 

On that note, I will share another personal fear. As soon as I began talking about my plans and putting the idea out into the world, I was overcome with intense anxiety. Now that I had put out there that I wanted to adopt, by some worldly energy I will now definitely not be able to bear a child. I'll admit, the thought of losing that option scared me. It took all of an hour before I asked my mom for her gyno's number. I think I'm over the anxiey now. Regardless of my options, I am quite set in my decision to adopt at least one child, if not more. The number of children I eventually have is dependent on many things. Whether I bear my own as well, that’s something to think about at a different point in my life.

Something I do want to point out is this notion - I'm not saying it is held by many, but I will say that too many people have brought it up for me to ignore its existence. The belief is that if I was to bear and birth a child and adopt another that I will love my biological child more than my adopted; simply because said child exited my body. Again, funny how people are so comfortable telling you how you will feel.

Realistically, and anyone who has taken a child psychology course will know that there is a feedback system when it comes to parenting. You will react to a child's temperament for example. Your child in turn will react to you, as well as to your reaction. If you have two children, and one is more difficult, it is possible that you will react differently. It is possible that as a child grows and develops, as a parent you might find yourself getting along more easily with one child versus the other. I have a much better relationship with my mom. But I am more like my dad, personality-wise. If that is seen as differences in love so be it. But what I'm trying to say is, your relationship with one of your children is not a carbon copy of your relationship with another.

But to say that love for a child is contingent on whether or not the child exits your body - that's disgusting. And how do you measure love? C'mon. I want to be a mother, to love a child. If you want to be a parent to claim ownership - please don't bother. There are so many children who are craving love, stability, parents. I just happen to be craving someone to offer that to. Point final. Anyhow, I just don't like the idea of conditional love. For various reasons that will tangent into conversations that are best had on a different day.