“But I feel good and happy so it’s okay.”

Have you ever been sitting on the bus and as you become conscious of your surroundings you realise that you have the goofiest of smiles on your face? I happen to love that moment. There’s no embarrassment there, it fuels the fires and all of a sudden I want to giggle. I giggle a lot.

It’s funny how the mind works sometimes. I often break out the psychoanalysis and try to understand the silver lining that is my muddled psyche. I like to think that though I am an incredibly emotional person and react strongly to various elements of my life, I am also a very rational person when I need to be. *cue laughter* Recent experiences have taught me that I can, in fact, shut off parts of myself and focus on the logical and rational – I know. You’re reading this and uttering my famous “pfft”. But it’s true! It feels like I’ve grown and matured in my thinking; I’m better able to read myself and gauge what I need and don’t need. I’m quite proud of myself.

But then I get happy. It takes over. I get crushed under the weight of my emotions on a constant basis, so it’s perfectly normal for that to happen with the positive as well as the negative emotions. But this makes me think… if I really believe that I’ve gotten to a point when I can brush it all aside and use this magical “rational and logical” part of my brain then how is it that when I’m happy, the happy takes over? But then that makes me think…why do I like the idea of a “rational and logical” part taking the reigns? Then that makes me think… what in the hell is this part of my brain and does it really exist? BUT THEN… why do I value it so much? To the point that as I’m writing this it feels like I’m undervaluing and belittling the oh-so-powerful emotions that drive and motivate every fibre of my being? Am I sorry? Am I apologizing? Urm…

Writing really is cathartic.

Dear supposed rational and logical part of my brain,

You’re super cool. If you really exist then I must tell you: I appreciate you and what you stand for. You’re nice to have around as a crutch once in a while. But listen, I really like those spikey bursts of emotion that wake up my insides every morning…so I’m going to go out and make those guys a set of house keys. You…well…it’s buzzer #506 when you come ‘round.

Eve Ensler said it perfectly, “I am an emotional creature”.